insaneladybug: (hamilton_tragg)
So Facebook sent me one of its erratic notifications saying that someone posted a new picture. It was actually an album's worth of pictures, from a visit she made here a couple weeks ago for what looks like her sister's high school graduation. I looked through them all and ended up feeling pretty sad. So I guess that answers the question. I wasn't upset before just because of teetering emotions, even if that was part of it. Looks like I'm just going to continue being emotional for who knows why. Maybe the dam finally broke and stuff I bottled up for ages is just going to keep coming out.

I worked with this lady for a long time doing the church activities I still do for the 8-11 girls age group. She was probably the one I worked with the longest (three-ish years or more, I believe). I was so upset when I knew she was going to move, but eh, everyone I like always seems to do that sooner or later, so I think I tried to push back how much it hurt because I didn't know what to do and I didn't want to deal with it.

I don't know that we were really even that close. At least, it certainly wasn't like it ended up with the first girl I worked with, whom I still hang out with and will hopefully be seeing this week. This lady and I didn't really associate outside of working together. But there were friendly gestures, like she loaned me her brown permanent marker when I was making the Lou plushie and needed the brown for his eyes, and she took pictures of me holding the Ginger and Lou plushies when I had them to a point that I was ready to show them off.

There were planning meetings with just the two of us; for a while it was just us, and we'd have the activities at her house. (Funny story: the layout of her house is nearly identical to the current house of the girl I worked with first, the one I called my movie-going friend, so there's always that reminder of her when I'm over there.) And while I've had happy times all along and enjoy the company of every lady I've worked with, I think I was the happiest when it was just the two of us having cozy activities for the girls at her house. Another of my happiest activity memories is when the two of us and the only four girls who showed up to that particular activity played Capture the Flag in the church gym. There have been two other Capture the Flag activities since then, with a larger group, and honestly, they just don't come close to the happiness and fun of the time with the small group. Go figure.

Then there were a couple of misunderstandings that I feel terrible about. There was one time when we had activities planned for several months, and then she had to pull one of hers out, and naturally that moved the other activities up on the schedule. I was worried wondering how to work it because then ones that wouldn't have happened yet were coming up sooner and I needed to coordinate at least one of them and I wasn't prepared. I needed her help about something to do with it and somehow something I said gave her the impression that I was telling her that things were her fault. I felt awful. I was just trying to explain that since she'd had to pull the one activity, it moved the others up on the schedule and we needed to get going with planning those sooner than originally thought.

Then a mortifying incident when she was moving. I wanted to give her a card, but they'd already left the old house and I wasn't sure how to get it to her. She didn't offer an address to mail it to, but said they'd be checking the old house's mail a couple more times. And ugh, Facebook was being such a memory-hogging pain and wrecking the browser's performance, so I couldn't stand to be on it and I immediately closed it after asking the question of when to leave the card, and it didn't notify me of her reply, and I was mortified since it only came in a minute or two after I'd posted. I didn't think it would be easily understood how awful Facebook tends to act for me, and I was frustrated that I'd missed the chance to get the card to her. I asked if there would be any other chances and I also managed to miss that reply. Ugh, I hate Facebook so much. I felt like sinking through the floor that I'd missed that one too. And I also felt bad not to be able to get the card to her, but I wondered if I was just being a bother and she didn't even really want it since she didn't give me an address. I think she was staying with her parents at the time. She probably didn't feel she should give out their address, but eh, I felt awkward and didn't know what to do and I still have the card in my bag.

We haven't really interacted since then. We're both quiet, reserved people, which I suppose accounts for the misunderstandings and such. Probably neither of us wants to do anything to impose. Maybe she thought I was trying to give the card as a dutiful gesture or something and she didn't want to put me to any trouble if that was the reason I wrote it. I don't know.

There have been some slight interactions in the way of Liking posts and comments on Facebook. Maybe I should try seeing if her email still works and ask how things are going. Since there was some post Liking, maybe she's not still upset with me (if she ever was to begin with). If I remember right, I stopped using the email because she had to pay more for using email. But maybe she has a better set-up at the new home.

Bleh, I don't know what to do with myself. This is just stupid. Ever since I saw the picture post, I've been crying off and on missing her so flippin' much. I love the ladies I work with now, but I wish she was still here. I wasn't ready to let her go.

July 2017

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