This is what it's like to be me.

Crystal found this amazing video last week and I wanted to post it here. It looks like it's only available to Facebook users, which is why I hesitated, but it is public for anyone on Facebook.

This girl in the video is describing exactly the feelings I've struggled with for many years: that part of me "knows" I'm a bad person, while the other part really knows that isn't true. It's a very strange paradox and a sad and uncomfortable way to live. There must have been a lot of various incidents in my past that I subconsciously took and added up to the conscious conclusion that I'm a horrible person. She goes on to describe what happens anytime she says or does something that upsets someone, and again, that is exactly me: the sickening horror that "Oh no, they see I'm a bad person" contrasted with "But ... no, I'm not, I didn't mean to cause trouble, I must explain this." It's really sad, actually, because while it's honestly true that the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, that is exactly what happens because of this psychological/emotional problem. Honestly, if the only thing the problem caused was to hurt me, it wouldn't matter (there I go again, feeling valueless). But because it hurts other people, it is unacceptable and must somehow be corrected.

Of course, there's the real challenge right there. How do I make myself fully recognize I'm a good person instead of having this part of me that insists I'm not? Especially when every time this problem kicks in, the end result is that someone gets hurt and I feel like even more of a horrible person than ever because it's my fault?