insaneladybug | Recent Cases

Some things the same, some better.

I'm getting paid now by a veteran's organization to take care of Dad. The money helps a lot, both for things needed in the household and fun things. I've had the freedom to buy things I couldn't before, which makes me very happy. One of my most treasured things is the Play Arts Kai Advent Children Sephiroth with wing. He arrived on my birthday last October and I adore him so much.

I finally got a Switch Lite and have plenty of games for it. Best discovery was realizing I could actually play Final Fantasy VII after loving it for so many years. I spent hours reading the game script, I watched countless cutscenes, watched Advent Children over and over, but I never had access to the games to be able to actually play them. Playing it at last and getting to actually experience those beloved characters' story opened story floodgates for me and I've had lots of ideas for both FF and KH stories. I'm also finally able to play Crisis Core, which I also love.

Twilight and Dawn timeline has definitely taken off and I've been writing many stories with Cloud and Sephiroth after they've grown even closer. I feel I should probably insert a few stories to bridge the gap between where the timeline left off and the first recent fic taking place after the other fics that showed them much closer than before, but I don't know. Maybe it looks okay as it is, especially since that recent fic has a crisis in it and said crisis furthered their closeness in it. I love those guys so much.

I overhauled my KH fic timeline after finally looking into Birth By Sleep and deciding it was time to accept it and work with it and that it mostly helped the main things I wanted to have in my timeline, mainly Sephiroth being his own person and actually trying to help Cloud instead of hurt him. My new KH timeline is way better than the old one and also accepts the magical nature of the source material much more. Seph has a much better and happier backstory, especially regarding his wings, and he no longer is bound to Cloud like in the old timeline. He's trying to help completely of his own free will. So much better.

Bought a gaming laptop and am able to run Dissidia NT on it. I play that most every day, always as either FF or KH Seph. It's funny that a fighting game is actually calming and comforting to me, but I think it's mostly because of being able to play as Seph. Smash Ultimate is another comfort game for the same reason, as is my ROM of Dissidia 012. I also have Rebirth and the mod that lets me play as Seph in at least some of it other than just chapter 1. That is delightful. The graphics in that game are so beautiful and I'm always swooning over Seph's gorgeousness in it.

Theatrhythm Final Bar Line is such a wholesome and adorable game, and useful to try to learn timing in music better. I like getting that out a lot too. My main team of Seph, Cloud, Zack, and Aerith reached Level 99 within a week or two, lol. Of course, it's fast leveling up in that game, but still.

The Eevee colony has expanded exponentially. And Pokemon Center is doing a Year of Eevee event, which of course has contributed to the expansion.

Very upset about Joann closing. I wish someone would step in and save them like someone did for Big Lots. Big Lots isn't even the same unique store it used to be, but there's really nothing that can replace Joann. I'm stocking up for future crafting projects and need to get back there again for more. It still doesn't feel real to lose it.

Party City is gone now too, save for the franchise locations that weren't affected by the bankruptcy (and the Canadian stores owned by other people). I'm glad I did end up getting the Eevee cardboard cutout when they got it back in stock last autumn.

Current Mood: cheerful

I have always had great anticipation for my birthday. The last couple of years have been strange, with having to get my gifts myself, but in another way it's been nice since most of what I want is online-only, Dad has never been good with shopping for others online, and this way I ensure I get lots of what I really want. I've stocked up some fun things for my birthday, mainly Eevee and Star Wars and Encanto merch. And at least there will be a couple of surprises from friends.

On one such trip, I was absolutely overjoyed and elated to see the free-standing GameStop closest to us came back! It was such a shock. Last year they definitely seemed to be closed and I'm sure they were no longer listed on the website. But a couple of weeks ago they were open, fully functional, and on the website again! I doubt anything else could have excited me as much, except a new free-standing Toys R Us in the States. I might actually cry for joy if such a thing were to ever happen again (which I doubt it will). I wish I could go to Canada and visit it there.

The GameStop had many Eevee things. A lot of them I already have, lol. But there were a handful of things I didn't have, and I got a cute Eevee figure to put away for my birthday. She looks like she'll be better in scale with my Radley doll than my talking Eevee (who will of course stay Radley's as well).

I also finally saw the sleeping plush. She is very cute! But more expensive than Amazon was last charging. I'm hoping Amazon will restock. I never thought I'd want a sleeping plush, but the Eevees are so darling. They're even more appealing since I'm playing Pokemon Sleep. I imagine that game is responsible for sales of the sleeping plush going through the ceiling lately. Although they've always seemed popular.

Even knowing what most things are, the anticipation of opening them is just as exciting as if I didn't know. Perhaps a little moreso, since I know I won't get disappointed (unless I was sent the wrong merch, which I certainly hope won't have happened). The crowning piece is the adorable Halloween Eevee statue. I have no idea where I'll put her, but I had to get her. It hurt so much not getting her last year. She's so precious. Even Pikachu in that line is trying to be scary, but Eevee is just too innocent and sweet and genuine for that and is just going "Yay! :D"

Stores always like to send me things for my birthday month too. Disney has sent their annual 20% discount, which I plan to save for combining with their free ship day this month. I haven't decided what I'll use it on yet. Possibilities are Kristoff doll (if he's still in stock), Isabela or Dolores plush (Mirabel is cheaper on Amazon and Luisa is here waiting for Tuesday), or maybe Eeyore. I always wanted an Eeyore. Or a really furry Tigger. I have my brother's, but he is not very furry so many years later.

I was so frustrated that I got distracted with the possibility of a Disney order right when I was trying to place my Pokemon Center order a couple of weeks ago. I was distracted so long that I missed out on the Flareon and Jolteon Sitting Cuties, and those are the only two Eevee family members I have no plushies of. I had no idea they'd sell out over the weekend. I was worried the Afternoon with Eevee figures would sell out that fast, but they stayed and the plushies vamoosed. Go figure. I should have really known all along the Pokemon Center order was what I wanted the most, considering I've had other chances to get those Disney items on other sales and have always decided I couldn't justify the cost, even with discounts.

Target will send me something on Tuesday. Last year it was 10% off something, which is barely anything at all. But I still put it to good use getting the 24 inch sitting Eevee. This year, I have my eye on the Eevee costume accessory set. We're finally getting a Target closer to us and it's supposed to open this month, but I don't have an exact day yet. It would be awesome if they have the set. Not all Targets carry it. It would be so fun to buy it in-store. There's something especially satisfying about getting a wanted item in-store and bringing it home right then. Although mail is certainly fun too.

I'm also heavily contemplating a three-foot cardboard Eevee stand-up from Party City. Of course, this is utterly ridiculous since I am not at all sure where I'd put it. But it's oh so tempting anyway.

The one other order I'm debating right now is at Macy's. Last year I saw a beautiful blue reindeer and was crushed I couldn't get it. I don't know why I forgot about it entirely until I saw it on Macy's site the other day. A special sale on her ends tomorrow and I've been debating getting her. I really want her, but I also really want the Eevee things and I can't have it all. I'm honestly leaning more towards the cardboard cut-out, but it seems so foolish to get that. I must decide quickly, as my discount on that also ends tomorrow.

Current Mood: hopeful

I have strange dreams.

This, of course, isn't unusual, either for people in general or for me in specific. My dreams seem to be far stranger than normal lately, though. Sometimes they are dreams of longing, of missing happier times. Other times, they are fandom-based and occasionally are worth writing fics of. Still others are about recurring locations.

One of my favorite recurring locations is the haunted house. I often dream that we live in one. Sometimes it's clearly the same house. Other times it's differently designed, yet still meant to be the same house.

I believe I've dreamed of haunted houses since we lived at the house before this. Usually those dreams involved evil spirits possessing the bedroom curtains and me being too terrified to be able to move or scream. I would fall and struggle to crawl away. Attempting to scream would produce no sound, as hard as I'd try.

There are times when I still dream things like that. Usually here, however, I dream of living in a haunted house that is much larger than this house. I have always longed to live in a huge house, mansion-size. The ghosts infest certain areas of the house and either will not let anyone be there at all or people can be there but feel constantly watched. Sometimes the ghosts get them lost in an endless labyrinth, unable to find the rooms and doors they started with.

Sometimes the dream houses are all jumbled up with reality. In today's dream, I had two different rooms, as I did at the old house, and I had to pick and choose what I had in each one. Most of my favorite things were in the room I slept in, while other things were tucked away in another room. For some reason, I was considering making this other room my main room. I think it was because the current main room was haunted or otherwise uncomfortable. Or maybe I just wanted a change. I was enjoying the other room a lot, but felt it too small for what I needed. Then I saw it seemed bigger than I'd thought. I was looking through some of the DVDs, books, and plushies in that room and finding a lot of interesting things I'd forgotten I had.

In another dream this past day, I had decided to attend a several-day camp event supposedly similar to ones I had refused to attend in my youth. I was always the odd one out. It was a huge thing in youth group, to go to camp. People would plan it for months and even have fundraisers to get money to go. I was about the only one who didn't want to. But because I was too nice to say I didn't want to or I had no interest, I came up with weird excuses that I thought might sound more plausible and acceptable. In the dream, I had stuff packed and people were coming to get me. It was the present-day and I was thinking it would be several days before I could get my new chapter up, and that was a shame because it was really almost finished. I didn't really want to leave everything for a week. I don't know why I was trying to go to the thing. When the people came, they told things I hadn't known before, such as that it was so dull up there that people would hang tacks on the wall as an activity. And even though there was a cabin, and there was snow outside, people were going to sleep outside in the snow in sleeping bags. That was the last straw and I backed out of it, even though I knew they'd be mad. One of the people was a youth group leader I miss most dearly in real-life. I was glad to get out of going.

Current Mood: contemplative

Christmas was basically very nice. I did manage to capture the feel of a Christmas from my childhood, which I had so desperately longed to do. It made me very happy. I also discovered cutting many dolls and figures out of their packaging can really hurt the thumb. My skin is dry and it cracked a lot there.

One of my favorite gifts is the Encanto doll set I've been wanting for a year! I was so thrilled Azalea542 got it for me! I have them set up on a metal tray right near my bed. They can stand on their own, which is so cool. I also got the Bruno and Dolores dolls so I'd have all the released dolls. I hope they will make the other characters too.

Another lovely gift was a gift card from Ladyamberjo so I could get Sylveon. I was sick of missing out on the Eevee family plushies at Build-a-Bear and I wanted to grab her since she's a favorite. That outing was a time. Almost everything that could go wrong on that outing did. Thankfully, we managed to return with Sylveon or it would have all been pointless. It started precipitating. I objected. Dad insisted we keep going, for some reason. We had to stop and get something from my sister. We had to get gas and had a hard time getting the locked gas cap off. We got stuck in a ditch for which there was no warning sign posted. People were very kind and helped us get out, but it took an hour or more. When we finally got to the mall, some mysterious thing had gone wrong and the store was temporarily closed?! I waited a bit, left in discouragement, then tried calling before leaving the parking lot. They were open again, so I went back for Sylveon. There was already a line forming, so I had to wait a bit more. Driving home was a nightmare as the precipitation continued. But at last we made it!

I got some more Eevees and watched The Rings of Power. I loved it and named Eevees Merry and Pippin. ThickerThanLove sent me the Lord of the Rings bear from Build-a-Bear, squeee! He looks like Frodo, with brown curly fur and blue eyes. I need something to name Sam next.

I am still furious at Nintendo cutting off eShop access to 3DS and 2DS tomorrow. I spent most of this past week looking for things to snap up. There was a big sale on Capcom games, for some awesome reason. I got Mega Man Legacy Collection. Mega Man games are hard. I can't jump on the bad guys and they swarm me really fast. I can't blast them all. I'm really happy to have the games, though. I'll figure it out. I was disappointed I couldn't seem to find anything else. I already got most of the awesome stuff I could afford in the months prior. Then I finally thought to look up Phoenix Wright. Those games were also on sale, for an incredible $2.99 each! Even the trilogy set! After spending much more than I really intended or wanted to (especially on DLC), I have many Phoenix games. I wasn't going to get Apollo Justice, but NinetalesUK finally convinced me I should. If I happen to take to him and the other characters from his games, I probably would be upset to not have the first game with them. I am notorious for balking at things and then loving them when I finally try them. For $2.99, I figured I'd better get it.

I got Investigations for the iPhone, since that was the only way to get it. (Yes, I have an iPhone.) But apparently I will only get the first case and have to drop a lot more to get the rest. I don't know when that will be, since I've already spent a lot. I'm enjoying the first case. Miles is still my favorite; playing as him is wonderful.

I still wish someone could use Radley's sprites from Over the Nexus to make a video game with him. I wish I could do that. I have no skills and would have to learn.

I got my dad's HP laptop working again and downloaded Steam onto it. Then I got The Disney Afternoon Collection, which was on sale for $5. I have always wanted to play those games. Darkwing is hard like Mega Man. The Chip and Dale games are the easiest. I am enjoying them all, even though I'm having trouble getting very far in them. I'll figure it out.

I had plans to get the Leafeon plush at Build-a-Bear, even though I'd have to do the online bundle with unnecessary clothes. I still want to try to make it work even after needing to snap up all that Nintendo stuff before it's gone. I have tried for days to convince my brain it is foolish. My brain will not listen. It's the only way to get him. I'm hoping I can re-sell the clothes, at least the sleeper. I might like the cape enough to keep it, but the onesie seems very silly. I don't want to cover up all that beautiful fur. If he hasn't sold out yet, I plan to order him tonight. He will make a lovely Easter gift. I'm tired of missing out on the Build-a-Bears. I wish I'd got him and Glaceon when they were briefly in physical stores last year, and Umbreon when he was online again briefly.

Some family members wanted me and Dad to get on their Verizon phone plan with them and we'd get iPhones. Mine was free! It's 13. The camera is glorious and I've taken videos of the kitty. The space is also glorious. I have 128GB! And there's not a lot of bloatware. It looks like I can delete whatever I want to, too. I like using the iPhone as a gaming device, mostly. I see both pros and cons of it. It's much harder to type on; if I need to correct a mistake, I can't even go right to the mistake. I have to erase the whole word! There's no headphone jack. Clearing caches is much harder. Apparently I'm supposed to hit offload app, but the description sounded much more complicated than a simple clearing of the cache. It sounded like I would have to redownload the app any time I clicked offload! Some of those apps are big. I don't have time to keep redownloading them! I got my dad's Motorola Android phone since he didn't need it anymore. It has 64GB, which is also good. I like to use it for most other Internet activities since Google devices are easier to manage in a lot of ways. Two of my tablets have been dying a lot, leaving me with the Amazon Fire tablet and these phones. I am happy to have them all.

I found someone called ZakuraRain who will do beautiful pictures for only $3, $6 if it's colored! They call them doodles, but they're definitely higher quality than mere doodles. I've got four pictures from them so far.

Fanfiction writing is slow at times, but still going on. I'm writing some enjoyable Kalin and Radley stories. Sometimes inspiration flows.

I also finally put the collars and lapels on the Kalin and Radley plushies' coat and jacket. I need to take pictures. I was going to get silver snaps for Radley, but I couldn't find the right kind and then I wondered if even the lightweight duster kind would weigh the light material down a lot.

Current Mood: okay

I'm tired.

I'm tired and sad and worn-down. But I have to keep dealing with the problems that are plaguing us and I have to be stretched thin trying to take care of everything and not having help with some of the problems.

My dad is practically blind. He needs help with all sorts of things. My mom has Alzheimer's and is very needy. She gets distressed if I'm not around, even just if I need to go into the basement for a bit to help Dad with something down there. It makes it very hard to get things done. There are a couple of others who are able to help Dad from time to time, but I'm about the only one who can help Mom. I have to dread each day wondering if I'm going to be mistaken for my aunt, my grandmother, or another version of myself. Any day when there isn't a distressing flip-out that takes ages to repair is something to celebrate. I've had to say goodbye to so many things we loved to do together that she doesn't like anymore. And the more I think about it, the more I think that the symptoms were starting to show years ago. I thought some of the things she said for years were extra strange, but it was only last year that it really became apparent what was happening.

I just wish we could all be happy again like we used to be, but I know that is highly unlikely to happen. Things have just been getting worse and worse in so many ways ever since 2019, at least. I can't stop longing for healing miracles, especially when we watch true stories like on It's a Miracle, but it doesn't seem like anything like that is in store. I just wonder why we can't have amazing healing miracles like those people have. Why aren't we good enough or deserving enough? Of course, there are no answers. I don't need to be preached at that life is full of trials, or that we're supposed to go through trials, yadda yadda. Why this trial in particular? What are we supposed to get out of it? What I get out of it is that Alzheimer's is Hell and I despise it with all of my heart and soul. And it kind of runs in the family. I'm terrified it may be my fate in the future. I don't want it! It is tragic to see an intelligent woman crumble like this. She used to spend hours writing letters and poems to cheer people up. Now most of her writing is devoted to letters to nonexistent people she's determined to deliver to real houses, or letters to real people about things that never happened. Why did God let this happen so she can't really serve Him anymore as she so loved to do? She touched so many lives for good. She could have done more.

I try to find escapes in online things, but I often find drama, unfriendliness, and story reviews dwindling close to nothing. I don't feel like I belong or am wanted most places, and the places where I do feel welcome enough aren't as active as I would like. I do have happiness talking and RPing with certain people, but those numbers have dwindled a bit too. What I do have means everything to me. I cling to the fictional characters' realities where things are happier than reality.

Retail therapy is still a thing for me. I have some more adorable Eevees now. I got the cute Tomy one, and the seller included two more plushies as extras! Popplio, whom I intended to get since she's Sandy's friend, and a tiny Eevee I have as the child of the Tomy one. I also bought Gigantimax Eevee.

I got the Pokemon Center's Christmas Eevee shortly before he sold out. I also found the autumn Eevee with pumpkin on my birthday. That was a special treat! Then Target finally got the sitting down 24 inch Eevee in stock again and I bought him. Those and finally getting to play Pokemon Go were the highlights of October. Most of the month was terrible.

I have three Eevee ornaments, the two Hallmark ones and one from the Pokemon Center. The latter is so heavy I was afraid it would fall off the tree, so I have her standing up on my filing cabinet. She and my other Eevees all brighten my days immensely. Their innocent faces are just precious.

I've needed to buy my own Christmas presents again this year. I've found a lot of lovely things for myself as well as my parents, and friends are starting to send awesome things too. It's hard to wait to open everything! Only two weeks to go. I pray desperately that Christmas can be nice and magical, like when I was a child, but I know the reality is that something will very likely go wrong, as it has on all holidays and my birthday lately, or the day right after.

Please, God, let us have a happy Christmas....

Current Mood: sad

I found this on the Tumblr blog Furious Goldfish. I bolded the things I feel/have felt.

Is my behaviour a symptom of abuse? Masterlist

Outside symptoms

Offering comfort and compassion while never receiving or asking
You’re hyper-independent and never ask for help
You downplay all the pain you felt thru your childhood
You’re so scared of failure it’s difficult to start anything
You struggle to take credit for things you did
You’ve can sense other people’s emotions as if they’re yours
You feel obliged to nurture, please and care for others
You struggle with chronic exhaustion and chronic pain
You don’t complain because ‘others have it worse’
You have the ability to endure everything to prove you’re strong
Living your life in fiction and Magical thinking
You had/have experiences with self harm
You’re scared to cut off toxic people from your life
Loud noises and figures of authority give you anxiety
Overtaking responsibility for everything
You feel compulsed to ‘act normal’ in every situation
You blame yourself for being stressed and procrastinating
You struggle with deep breathing, palpitations, overheating, dry mouth

Inside symptoms

Emotional symptoms of long term abuse
You have low self esteem and experience self-hatred
You feel that you need to be perfect, but others don’t have to
You crave approval from others very intensely
Anxiety while doing mundane tasks (cooking, cleaning, going out)
You don’t take happiness for granted, it scares you instead
You constantly feel pain and like ‘you need to get it together’
You’re afraid to feel your own emotions, you need a permission
You wish you had a physical evidence of abuse so it would count
You feel overwhelming guilt for things that happened to you
Confusing gaps in memory
You have cptsd symptoms
You struggle with intrusive thoughts and images
You’re always thinking ‘it wasn’t that bad’
You’re uncomfortable with being comforted
You feel as if you crave abuse
You have trauma symptoms from childhood abuse
You have a sense of foreshortened future
You believe a tougher life will make you stronger
You believe that everyone deserves compassion except you

Emotional symptoms of long term abuse:

You feel that you don’t have it that bad and that you just need to suck it up and endure it
You believe you’re exaggerating and dramatizing your pain, you’re probably fine and just faking it.
You don’t think you have any right to complain because there’s people who have it worse out there, and you should be grateful it’s not worse.
Someone thinking you’re in need of ‘saving’ gives you anxiety. You don’t want anyone to worry about you, or to seem like you’re in distress.
You feel like you’re pathetic for waiting for something to happen to make your life better.
You feel guilty and ashamed a lot of, or even most of the time.
You are disgusted by the idea of being seen as weak, spoiled, attention-seeking or a special snowflake. You’re secretly scared of being any or all of that.
You would endure as much as possible before asking for help or causing any concern.
You are always worried if someone will get angry at you, and if they do get angry, you feel it’s your fault and you deserved it.
You see other people’s struggles before anything else about them, and feel grateful you don’t have to deal with that on top of everything else.
You understand anyone who’s been misunderstood, quiet, outcast, or universally hated. You feel a connection with them almost instantly.
You’re ashamed of it but you long for approval so badly you’d go to any lengths to obtain it.
You don’t feel that you deserve love, or that it is even possible to love you.
Being judged, criticized, shamed, rejected or mocked hurts you on deep and even physical level. You don’t feel that you can bear it.
You are terrified of failure. You’re scared that you could actually be horrid and irredeemably bad at everything. It makes you so paralyzed you can’t even try things you could be bad at.
You hide your true desires because you feel they’re too much, you feel ashamed dreaming of being passionately loved or unconditionally accepted and adored. For you, these feel like unachieveable dreams.
You’re able to understand, defend, excuse, fight for, stand up for and adore anyone, but yourself. You feel that everyone else deserves more kindness, compassion, understanding, empathy and support, but you can’t feel this for yourself.

If 4 or more of these ring true for you, know that these are not just personality traits, they’re a results of long-term shredding of your own self worth, confidence, self-perception, perceived value in society. These beliefs are a result of grooming. Nobody who is raised/treated lovingly would ever believe any of these lies. If you feel this, you’ve been exposed to psychological and emotional abuse.

Current Mood: indescribable

This graphic I was shown today.... I can relate strongly to many of these. The overanalysis? Absolutely. Anyone who really knows me knows how I pick apart things fearing that I've done something wrong or that someone thinks I have. Terrified of dropping the mask? Oh yes. Online that isn't as much of an issue, but offline it is. Inability to share my feelings? Totally and completely, especially since I discovered that trying to tends to result in me being even more hurt. Self-doubt and questioning my worth? Yes. To some extent I relate to concerns that I'm overreacting too. Usually I find I wasn't concerned enough, instead of too much. Believing bad things will happen? Yes, although sadly and ironically enough, I'm also still stupid enough to keep thinking surely things will work out better this time and I stay in toxic situations far longer than I should because I keep foolishly believing there are ways to fix it.

I'm not sure what to make or feel about any of this. I'm damaged and I've known that for years. Relating to the graph feels like validation. But part of me thinks that there must be some other explanation when it's me, because of course my experiences haven't been as horrible as other people's, therefore, if anything I've been through was enough to traumatize me, it must mean I'm pathetic. And naturally, the very fact that I have such feelings must be further proof that I'm pretty damaged and that I've been made to feel very inadequate through the years. There are so many who try to lift me up, but the ones who emotionally stabbed me have really dug deep.

The worst blows, of course, are from people I trusted. Not my family, really, for the most part, but people I trusted almost as deeply. More than, in some cases. Although my brother gave me a lifelong hatred of being teased because of how he used to torment me. To this day I struggle with seeing teasing as good clean fun. For me it absolutely wasn't. I felt unrespected and disvalued. I don't think that was his intention, but that was the result. I dreaded being around him because 98% of the time, those negative experiences would result. No one really seemed to understand how upsetting it was to have things precious to me taken away or for me to get sat on. It was just "Oh, standard sibling teasing" and it wasn't supposed to be a big deal. It was a big deal. It affected me more deeply than other people, and whether that means I'm pathetic or not, I don't know.

Things that were upsetting to me were often treated as things no one should be upset about by non-family people I trusted implicitly. Tropes that distressed me to the point of agony or panic, like my hated way of dying, were mocked and treated like a joke and like no one else would be upset by it. If I was upset because of unkind things being said and said that was something that made me cry, I was laughed at. The reason why I'd get so upset was because I feared it meant the person wouldn't want anything more to do with me and would leave. That has often been the root of my distress. I don't know why I had that fear, but I did and still do. My default is still to think that if someone gets upset, they're going to leave. I know that is stupid. Although sometimes it really has happened.

Feeling inadequate extends to pretty much every aspect of what I do. Radley went through some horrible things in my verses: seeing torture, experiencing torture, feeling abandoned and left to die alone, really dying, having a terrifying out of body experience.... But it seems like other characters have had worse and that my attempts to write trauma are meager and that Radley shouldn't fall apart the way he does when triggered since the other characters who have been through even worse don't. To me it feels logical that he would not handle it well when he never had a chance to recover from what he went through before being pulled into other things. But I feel so inadequate compared to the other characters and that I must be doing it wrong since everyone else's characters are different. Maybe a lot of the others have larger than life situations while Radley's is more grounded in reality by comparison. I don't know.

I think the inadequacy is why I'm so hungry for reviews. I like to be told I did something good. Maybe I need to be told. I like it to be public for everyone to see it said. When I don't get reviews, I take it to mean that what I wrote wasn't good enough to warrant a review. It's not reasonable and in most cases is likely not true. But I don't know how to make myself not feel that way.

I could certainly be paranoid at least sometimes. But the problem with paranoia is that in many cases, the person really did experience what they fear and the paranoia is the fear of it happening again. Sometimes it does. I get told things aren't about me when I overanalyze and worry, but then it often looks like they really are and it wasn't paranoia at all.

I would love to be able to get therapy. But even if my insurance would cover it, I would be afraid to do it. Mom would worry about me for feeling I needed it, and Dad would just scoff that I don't need it. There's enough upheaval in our lives as it is. I don't want to make more.

Sigh.

Current Mood: indescribable

I had unusual dreams worth writing down:

There was some kind of dark creepy RP or something I was looking at, where there was a cult sacrificing people. It said if someone was sacrificed and revived, they might find parts of themselves?! Apparently they would revive in a new body because the old one had been damaged. I refused to allow Radley to be a victim. He was around and terrified, though.

I had to get more mysterious stains off my white Radley shirt, which is something that happens in real-life and is aggravating.

I was looking at some old Great Illustrated Classics, which was a line of abridged classics for kids. I found one that to my utter shock was a crossover with Andy Griffith and YGO 5Ds. The storyline was something about Andy Taylor having a daughter or maybe a granddaughter and I guess he was dying and unable to care for her, and apparently he wanted Radley to be her guardian. So the main plot was whether Radley will do that or not. The Bunch was in it too, and Radley was stricter with them than he seems to be in canon (locking them out of I guess the diner because of their rowdy behavior getting out of hand?!), but I was just beyond ecstatic to find actual published merchandise with Radley and I was thrilled with the illustrations and such. I also turned up what seemed to be a movie version, called Blue Moon.

It was very hard waking up from that and realizing it was just a dream.

I don't know why I didn't discuss this in the entry from June 24th, but on June 15th I tried again for my driver's license and I finally got it! It was such an amazing, incredible relief and divine blessing, as I desperately needed the license in order to help the family. There was a much nicer guy who went with me that time, and apparently the guy I'd had back in March has a reputation for strictness, as this one said, "Don't worry, I'm not as strict as that guy." He was so nice and personable and helped me to relax better. He also said he lives here in town, and I kind of think I may have seen him at Walmart a time or two! I'm not positive, but he did look familiar.

Since more stress was building up on the drives in to get the license, we decided the best thing was for someone else to drive me in so I could focus all my energy on the test. My sister drove us in, and I am very grateful, as I'm sure that helped reduce the stress enough that I could pass the test. But it was disappointing that she had to get right back, so I couldn't do anything to celebrate. I still haven't really had the celebration I wanted, as I'd wanted to go out with both Mom and Dad to do it and that just hasn't happened.

I've driven alone three times, and while the first time was fun, the second time was more tense. The third was okay. I think I prefer having company.

The Scottish Festival was finally attendable again this year, but unfortunately, a lot of things went wrong that I do not care to discuss (in connection with the serious real-life problems going on that I also do not care to discuss here). It was extremely disappointing and a let-down that it couldn't be enjoyed as it always has been before. In addition to that, many of my favorite booths either did not come or brought very little stock that interested me. I barely found anything that appealed to me.

My best celebratory efforts were in the Easter Eevee I bought the night before the driver's test, as well as the two bought afterwards. I got the cute winking Eevee and then saw a wonderful deal on the 24 inch Eevee and tried to snag it. The seller refused to respond to either me or Mercari and wouldn't ship. I don't know what happened. The seller has a history of cancelling orders. I don't know why Mercari doesn't boot her. After scouring the Internet high and low for days, I caved and bought the big Eevee on Amazon with my gift cards and Zip. I am so happy to have him! Normally I do not buy something this expensive ($58.99 plus tax, with $16 covered by gift cards), but occasionally I have. I remember my Captain Tarpals and Kaadu Star Wars figures were $50. My Monkees Bears set was $40. My Yami Bakura figure was $64. My Marik was $80, but he was paid for entirely with gift cards, as was my Nintendo 2Ds. I also bought all of Cannon, with most covered by gift cards. None of those purchases have been regretted. This one hasn't either! I'm so happy to have him. I fell in love with him in February and thought I could never have him.

I'm taking a break from buying things for now to get everybody paid off. My Eevee sitting like a person will be paid off in full by tomorrow! The Easter Eevee has one more payment. Then it's just paying off the big one. I still want the other Easter Eevee, if I can get an official one. I found a lot of bootlegs popping up. I'm lucky the one I have is the official one. The bootlegs do not look right. There's also a precious Tomy Eevee standing and looking up adorably. Most of the ones turning up seem to have much-loved fur and I want a newer one. There's one on eBay a little more than I'd wanted to pay, but I might cave on that if it's still there once I have a free slot for merchandise again.

Great Eastern finally made Nack in their Sonic plushies line and he's sold out almost everywhere and more expensive than I'd wanted to pay for him too. I do want to get him, though, albeit I wish the company would actually use fur. I think they still don't.

Then I want the Encanto doll set Jakks Pacific did that includes Luisa and Antonio. I think that set is the only way to get them, and Luisa is my favorite character. Mirabel (my second favorite) and Isabel have other doll releases. The price has gone up $10 since Walmart had it in stock before! Aurgh!

Current Mood: okay

I broke down crying before bed yesterday. This year has been beating me over the head as it is, and I know it's been hard for others as well. To lose Kazuki Takahashi is to lose a dear friend. This year marks 20 years of knowing and loving YGO. When JP wanted me to watch The Powerpuff Girls while it was on Kids WB, the trailers for YGO intrigued me even though most of them were silly, cheeky things. I just knew I had to watch it. One episode (The Evil Spirit of the Ring, a classic), and I was hooked. JP was skeptical and didn't think it would last as an interest, but I knew I'd found something special. The characters, the plot, the humor (yes, I enjoyed the 4Kids humor) ... ! It all combined to make an intense and beautiful series about friendship, villain redemption, and forgiveness.

There are so many stories I could tell about how and why YGO is important to me and how magical it was looking for merchandise. Many stories I've already told. I'll admit I've never been as fond of the manga as I am the anime, and it took me a long time to try the manga after hearing of some of the darker elements in it. But it was there for me when I was ready for it, and nothing would exist without the manga and those first, rough versions of the characters. Kazuki Takahashi created so many of the beloved YGO DM characters and designed some of the spin-off characters. I wish I knew if he designed Radley and Kalin. Over the Nexus lists him as a character designer as though all the characters in it were his designs. I am so grateful he had the ideas for the manga and the characters. He brought something incredible to life that will continue to live on in his memory.

Here's a tale I'm not sure I ever shared publicly. I dreamed about YGO before I even knew what it was. Honestly, I'm the first to be skeptical about people thinking all answers are to be found in dreams. But I do think every now and then, there can be a meaningful or even a prophetic dream. I have no idea why I would be sent a dream of YGO, but I like to think it was because God knew it would literally change my life in many positive ways. I dreamed it was the day after my birthday and I was watching a show on TV. It was part four of the Yugi and Pegasus duel, the part when Yugi sacrifices himself and Pegasus is mocking him. The computer was also involved in the dream; I think I was looking stuff up about the next episode. I woke up utterly baffled and dismissed it as nonsense. Months, even years later, the dream was fulfilled every whit and I remembered it. That was a moment. That's one thing about my dreams; the few times I actually have a prophetic one, it's told to me straight out, no silly symbolism or whatnot. I don't know why. I guess God knows I want it told to me straight? I'll still be confused about it if I have no idea about any of the things in the dream.

I could never document all the ways YGO is special to me or tell every amazing experience I've had because of it. If you look through the tag of YGO on my journals, you'll find accounts of many such experiences. Those times seeking merchandise are often some of my most happy memories. It was a more innocent time, when anime was fresh and newly becoming part of established pop culture. Because of YGO, I improved my writing, I learned how to draw people, and I met so many wonderful people. Some are even still my friends. And I'm still meeting new wonderful people too. YGO brings people together, and that is something Kazuki Takahashi hoped for, as recorded in one of his anecdotes from the beginning of a manga volume.

I don't understand why he had to be taken so soon. He was still young. It's even more heartbreaking because as I understand it, he was on a vacation and just trying to have a little relaxation and fun exploring sea life. I'm just heartbroken, as is the whole YGO fanbase. I was just about to post a story when I heard the news. I decided to dedicate it to him even though it's 5Ds. All YGO exists because of his first ideas. (And he even created the first Turbo Duel, as Marik is dueling through Strings while riding his motorcycle in the manga!) I also decided to hold off posting until after sleeping and doing one more proofread. I never like to rush a post and realize I should have added something more later, and especially in his honor, I wanted to make sure it was as good as it could be. I posted it in the afternoon after some important tweaks.

In my room I am surrounded by YGO merchandise, much of it official and some of it custom-made by me or other fans. I tried my hand at customizing dolls and figures to be YGO characters. I made plushies and plan to make more. I put together cosplays as characters. I drew and drew, and wrote and wrote and wrote. YGO inspires me, and if all the different things I've written for are added up, I'm pretty sure I've written more for YGO than for anything else. There are so many characters, angles, new plots and adventures they can go on! Right now, 5Ds Week/Month is getting underway. Azureweek (Seto/Tea) will be in a couple of months. And there are many other events for creativity based around YGO. The fans still love YGO all these years later and are always finding new ways to express that love. Kazuki Takahashi created something truly special. The duels and card game are fun, but the real meat of it is the characters, the plots, and the bonds that form because of it all.

Thank you so much for giving me such a wondrous thing to explore, my friend. I hope someday I can tell you in person how deeply much YGO means to me. And in the meantime, I hope you can find happiness in learning how many people are still touched by YGO. It makes me very happy.

Current Mood: contemplative

I made good on my decision to collect Eevees. I now have seven, with another on the way. Of course, I'm only sticking with specific ones that really strike me and are in my price range, rather than being all "GIVE ME ALL THE EEVEE!!!!!111" But since I've been doing most of my shopping on Mercari now, I discovered their partnership with pay in 4 partner Zip, and that has really quite changed my life. I still have to be careful not to go overboard, and I'm sticking with only buying when I'm sure I can make the payments, but it is just so amazing and so liberating to be able to get a little more than I could before. I never could have got all of these darlings without Zip. I've bought four that way and am eyeing a couple more for later consideration.

The first thing that excited me was, I believe, an Eevee sitting like a person. Precious! Then I discovered that the Eevee from Alola arc, Sandy, got a plush! I was over the moon. Before I'd sorted out which one to get first, my heart was stolen by a precious angel laying down and looking up with the sweetest "Take me home" expression. And then my heart was broken and crushed when she was bought before I could get her. (It was Sunday and I didn't want to make a frivolous purchase on a Sunday. Had I known then she's fairly rare, I think I might have made an exception.)

Honestly, usually I can just shrug it off if I don't get a particular item, even if I don't get another chance. But for some reason, I could not shake this one off. I was devastated. I refused to give up and kept scouring the Internet for another one. I found one on eBay, but she was more than I felt I could pay. I was just about to give in anyway when I tried one more thing, searching using Google Shopping. Wonderful Google actually came through and I found one on Mercari that had not come up on my searches of Mercari, WTH. She was still a little more than the one I'd lost, but I wasn't going to lose her again. The seller sent me an offer, bringing the price down a little more, and she came home to me!

I'd already bought Sandy the day before I found her, and they both showed up on the same day. LOL. It was awesome.

After that I had some debating over getting a Halloween Barbie and Ken doll set I've wanted since last year, but I decided I wanted the sitting up Eevee first. Much rarer than the dolls. He feels like he's minky! So incredibly soft!

Pokemon Center made two Easter Eevees. They're very rare and very sought-after. I especially love the lop-eared one, but both are adorable. An incredible deal appeared on the other one and I snapped her up.

Lastly, I've also been following a winking Eevee. An amazing deal for one happened on eBay and I got her.

Other ones I'm eyeing for the future: the other Easter one, a 2 foot one I fell in love with at GameStop and thought I'd never be able to have but could with Zip, Chloe's Eevee, and one raising a paw like a wave. (Not the one imitating Wobbuffet, but a much more squeeable one.) Oh, and Gigantimax Eevee. Maybe also the Christmas Eevee at Pokemon Center.

I'm planning to make a video of Radley showing all the Eevees and discussing them after I get the winking one.

I started writing another version of my Night After storyline for 5Ds because I wanted to write a fic inspired by a heartbreaking scene of Radley being attacked and beaten unfairly that we did in a Western AU RP. I couldn't think of any way to work the scene into a fic until I thought of some of his former Duelists attacking him in the mine. So, yes, another Night After. This one has become a three-part behemoth instead of my usual oneshot treatments of the storyline. I keep adding more and more, thinking of new angles to explore with the characters. I'm voicetesting Crow a lot in part 2. I love him, but I don't use him much, and it's enjoyable writing him trying to comfort and counsel Yusei in this one. This fic gets more into Yusei's thoughts than any other version I've done. I've also noticed that with each version, as I test Kalin caring more and more in each succeeding one, he falls apart more and more. But this seems to fit with canon and how he cannot deal with losing those he loves. The original scene that inspired all of this, the beating, was in itself inspired by the movie Rigoletto. I don't know why I wanted to do it, because that scene leaves an extremely bitter taste in my mouth in the movie. It horrified me. I also hate that the people never find out the guy was miraculously/magically restored to life, so they'll go all through their lives knowing they hatefully beat a man to death when he didn't deserve it and never knowing that he did get a happy ending. I fix that in my version.

I mostly stay logged in to my RP account constantly these days. I hardly ever post here, so it seems logical to stay logged in with the other account the most. I wish there was a YGO-based group RP on Dreamwidth. There's hardly any on Dreamwidth for kids' franchises at all. I think the one I'm in is the only one around that's really active. I love it and it's adorable, but I would like to play in more RPs too. I can never get enough.

I really want to RP tonight. But Discord and Dreamwidth are both so quiet. Sigh. I'm eager to continue one adorable Kalin and Radley-centric one on Discord especially.

Current Mood: okay

This has been a fun week, something sorely needed. Real-life is rarely fun these days.

Monday I got hit in the head by an AMV that needed to be made. I already had the song and took a few more screencaps and made Radley Will Make a Man Out of You!

We ended up getting groceries on a different day this week. I don't know if that made a difference or not in products that were out, but if it wouldn't have happened on our regular day, I'm glad we were late. I've been waffling for literal weeks on what to spend some money on, which makes it difficult when I want just about everything I've seen but can't get it all. Then, after being unable to make a decision, I see an adorable little Eevee plush at Walmart and immediately fall in love. I'd kept feeling like I couldn't make a decision until I checked Walmart one last time, and that was apparently what I was waiting for. I have my beloved big Eevee, but I've wanted a little one to be my Radley plushie's Eevee. I just never thought I could afford the price for one when I already have one. But as soon as I saw her, I knew I was getting her. Unfortunately, I thought she was going to ring up as $12.99 and she rung up as $16.99 instead. Gah. And by then, I'd bonded with her way too closely to not get her. I still wondered if I'd made a mistake and worried about having spent so much, and yet there was no buyers' remorse and no desire to return her, although I did ask some people what they thought about the scenario. I was thrilled to give her to Radley. I was a little sad thinking I'd really like another one to be Kalin's Eevee and figured no way would I be able to pay that price a second time.

The next day I got an amazing package! I knew my friend MoonlightTyger was sending a couple of fun souvenir shirts from a town we both like, and those were there and very cool! One is a Christmassy shirt, and I feel like wearing it now, heh. And also in the box was another little Eevee! Not the same one I'd got, but just as soft and cute! I was over the moon and stayed there for hours. I wondered briefly if I should return the one I'd bought, but there was still no desire to do so, especially since I'd wanted two and now I had two! ... And now I'm encouraged to want more, lol. There's an adorable winking one I'd like to be Scotch's Eevee. I've even been considering a sleeping Eevee. Normally I don't see the appeal in sleeping plush since you can't really play with them, but when it's Eevee, I might make an exception.

So maybe what I really want is to collect Eevee plushies. One awesomely fun thing about multiple Eevees is that each one can be a different character, whereas if I'm getting multiples of, say, Shadow, it's all the same character. That makes it feel like there's much more of a point to getting multiple Eevees. I love them so much, I want many. Some of the things I've been considering buying are figure sets with multiple Eevee figures. But the figures are too small to pair with a Radley, so the plush was more appealing on that level as well as softness level. I love soft things, and these Eevees feel like minky! Utter paradise!

Current Mood: happy

I took this some time ago and decided it would be fun to take it again now that I've actually had a chance to play several of the games.

Day 01: Favorite Pokémon: Eevee. She's so cute! Sweet and innocent and very cat-like, licking and rubbing people. I just love using her as Radley's Pokemon in various storylines.
Day 02: Least favorite Pokémon: Aerodactyl. After terrible experiences with them in both Crystal and X, it is tempting to believe this Pokemon is downright sadistic or evil. In Crystal especially, it's absolutely maddening! It will claim it needs to recharge, but then when you try to attack, it attacks anyway and doesn't let you attack! What a liar.
Day 03: Favorite starter Pokémon: Aside from the two Let's Go starters, it's a hard choice between Bulbasaur and Chikorita.
Day 04: Favorite Eeveelution: I believe ultimately it's still Umbreon. I'm still enchanted as I was years ago when I first saw one in season 4. But I also love the other Friendship evolutions and Glaceon a lot too. And Vaporeon is growing on me a lot.
Day 05: Favorite legendary Pokémon: Articuno is still gorgeous. I'm also quite fond of Xerneas.
Day 06: Most terrifying Pokémon: That one that looks cute but has a second, deadly head with sharp teeth at the back ... that is pretty terrifying. Mawhile.
Day 07: Most adorable Pokémon: Eevee!
Day 08: Most amusing Pokémon: Still Clefairy. The stuff they take for their spaceship is just WTH hilarious. And the fact that they're building a spaceship at all.
Day 09: Favorite Pokémon type: I'm not sure. Ice, perhaps, or still Water.
Day 10: Least favorite Pokémon type: In thinking of what they are and where they hang out, still Sludge. In thinking of how frustrating they are to fight against, Steel.
Day 11: Do you nickname your Pokémon? Why/Why not? I definitely do. It seems lazy not to. In real-life, people that use Cat or Dog as names are not considered good with names.
Day 12: Favorite Pokémon attack or move: I like Swift in Crystal, but Return in X. A move that gets more powerful the more you're loved is just so squeeable.
Day 13: If you lived in the Pokémon world, what would you be? Probably a quiet person with one or two Pokemon at home that are pets or helpful beings, rather than frequent battlers. Although they'd have to be in battling condition to protect us from crooks, I suppose.
Day 14: If you were a gym leader, what would be your specialty? Probably Normal and have a team of Eevees.
Day 15: Favorite region in the Pokémon world: Kanto and the Orange Islands, still, but also Johto and Kalos. For gaming, I am especially enchanted by Kalos. It's so lush and varied, and unlike some other areas, there are many interesting Pokemon right away instead of mostly bugs! I really can't fathom why the older games mostly have bugs to catch when you first start out. I can't imagine those would be terribly exciting to most players overall.
Day 16: If you could live anywhere in the Pokémon world, where would it be? I lean towards Kalos, but I'm not sure. I love things about all regions.
Day 17: If you could be any Pokémon, what would you be? I would rather be a human. But Articuno would probably be a pretty fun Pokemon to be. No more sweltering in the heat! I could create an ice palace in the middle of a heat wave and it would last!
Day 18: Favorite Gym Leader: I like Misty a lot more than I did as a kid. Brock is always cool too. I enjoy seeing those familiar characters while traveling! The Snowbelle Gym Leader in X is really cool too. And I actually like Sabrina in Crystal. I wish the anime hadn't made her so messed-up.
Day 19: Favorite Elite 4 member/Champion: Probably Lance.
Day 20: Favorite Pokémon Professor: Professor Oak. Classic and iconic and endearing. He seems like a really fun mentor to have.
Day 21: Favorite Pokémon bad guys: Jessie, James, and Meowth, but mainly because they're really good people despite their jobs. Redeemable bad guys are the most fascinating kind. For organizations overall, Team Rocket is iconic and classic and I think they could probably beat up most, if not all, of these other odd organizations that have popped up. Team Flare is really WTH in the game except for Lysandre (although they're better in the anime, I think), and Team Skull is just ... what.
Day 22: Favorite Rival: Probably still Gary. Although the X rival is nice. It's enjoyable to have a rival who isn't a complete jerk to you for most of the time. Still irritating to have him suddenly appear and demand a battle when I'm not expecting it or prepared for it, though. In fact, in some ways it's more annoying for a nice character to do that.
Day 23: A Pokémon which reminds you of a friend: Raichu
Day 24: A Pokémon you’d find useful in real-life: Any flying Pokemon big enough to carry you.
Day 25: A Pokémon based on your favorite animal: Persian
Day 26: A Pokémon that is your favorite color: Horsea
Day 27: Favorite Pokémon game: X
Day 28: What did you nickname your rival? When I played Crystal, I didn't bother looking up the rival's name and completely and totally randomly named him Carl. Lol. In playing SoulSilver, I've just allowed him to keep his real name.
Day 29: Favorite Pokémon tune or song: Lavender Town theme and Pokemon Tower theme. It's interesting that most towns didn't seem to have anything very stand-out for theme music, or several would use the same one, and then suddenly there's Lavender Town. Haunting, sad, and sweet all at once.
Day 30: Most nostalgic element of Pokémon: Favorite anime episodes like Holy Matrimony!, which I have very fond memories of from the past.

Current Mood: okay

Got into

victory_road as Radley. It's a very cute game set in the Pokemon verse! That caused a plunnie explosion and I decided to further explore my past concept of both shows in the same verse. I just put up chapter 1 of a fic.

Very annoyed at Nintendo taking away eShop access for portable devices next year. I bought a couple of games, including Pokemon Crystal. It's very nice, very liberating, even, to finally play a Pokemon game! I'm breeding Eevees. They're so cute! I have three so far, all male. (I have to use a Ditto mommy.) I'm hoping I can get a female eventually too. I've always loved them, but I got obsessed with them after having Radley get one as a starter. I chose Eevee because the Espeon evolution looks like Ruby Carbuncle, one of Radley's cards.

I'm watching some of Pokemon Master Journeys to see Chloe's Eevee. There have been others on the show, of course, but I'm not sure any others have gotten an actual arc about them! I hope she will end up deciding not to evolve. I love the evolved forms, but I also love the original form. The way the story arc is set up, I kind of suspect that she will not ever evolve even if eventually she gains the ability to do so. I would like to see another Pokemon like Pikachu who doesn't even really want to evolve because she's happy with herself.

I decided that when Team Rocket only appears to do villainous things and we don't see character development for them, I prefer them not being there. I enjoyed a couple of Master Journeys episodes without them just fine. Although that could be because I'm so intently involved in the Chloe arc. I still love the episodes where we see better sides of them, although I am pretty confused by their twisted morals. So they get upset at the thought of taking away people's special memories in that amnesia scheme from Alola, but they think it's okay to steal people's Pokemon so all they're left with all their memories?! I kind of think and hope that if they actually did succeed in taking someone's special Pokemon for a while and then saw them all sad and heartbroken, they would feel so guilty they'd bring the Pokemon back. When we see their good sides, it kind of seems like that's something that could be the case. Maybe I'll write such a fic sometime.

Still driving, and have actually been on the freeway repeatedly! That is really huge for me. I bought a Glaceon plush at GameStop yesterday. I also got an Espeon from Mercari. It's an interesting online shopping place. I think the sellers there seem more often like fans able to identify official plushies from bootlegs. There are lots of bootlegs that have crept onto Amazon, and maybe eBay too.

Current Mood: excited

Haven't felt like writing for months. There's been a lot of upsetting things happening in real-life and online both, and I've preferred discussing both good and bad things in private with friends.

I had a lot of fun buying my own presents in October, at least, including elements of my Radley costume. I am very happy with it. I like to dress as him and record various songs trying to sing as him, which is interesting. It's hard to sing with anything resembling a male voice, but it helps that his dub voice isn't terribly low and my normal speaking voice isn't terribly high. I haven't done it for a while, but there are other songs I want to try.

Also bought most of my own Christmas presents aside from stuff friends sent. Dad wrapped some of them so I'd have more to unwrap. It was a very nice Christmas. I got Disney dolls of Raya, Sisu (I love the movie, mostly!), Ariel (also finally saw that and love it too), and Frozen 2 Elsa. I still don't like the ending of the movie, but I do love her final attire. I also got some fun plushies on QVC, and I used a birthday gift card to buy an adorable Christmas tree plush from Build-a-Bear. His name is Bob, because really, what else are you going to name a happy little tree?

I got a huge basket of yummy goodies from one sister and some nice things like a diffuser from another. I love the concept of it, although I don't much like the scent of lavender. It comes with lavender scent to put in it. I want to see if I can find other scents too.

Azalea542 sent a cool musical Frozen watch and a Boba Fett pin. Ladyamberjo and Lisa sent lovely gift cards and I had some fun Amazon spending sprees. I have most of the 5Ds manga now, except for #1, which has decided to be elusive new. Aurgh. Aside from preferring new in general, I especially want new here to be sure I get the card that comes with it. I also got some DVDs.

MoonlightTyger sent a wonderful cap and a Boba Fett plush (so soft!), and Tales of the Abyss! I'm very relieved it plays on my 2DS. I've played up to where Natalia joins the party so far. It is a very fun game aside from the boss battle against Arietta. Such a relief to finally conquer that! It's always interesting when a property has a sheltered character like Luke. While I can't fully relate to Luke's specific situation, I was quite sheltered most of my childhood. I was very sick for some years and there was also a lot of unfair prejudice going around about our family which caused a lot of backlash on me. Some of the neighborhood kids weren't allowed to associate much with me and the ones that were allowed didn't get to play as much as I wanted. So I mostly played with Mom through those years. It wasn't until I was becoming a teen that I started really having in-depth friendships with people where we'd talk a lot and have conflicts and the like. So I wasn't always good at associating with people, although I tried to learn quickly and even fake it sometimes. Of course, I still mess up and I'm also such a weird person that a lot of people get turned off by my different interests in characters and topics. Some things never do change. People can be very cruel and unkind when someone goes against the norm, whatever the norm happens to be. Anyway, point being, I like when there are sheltered characters in things.

The Book of Boba Fett makes me very happy. Disney is continuing to fulfill my 30 year old dream. I far prefer their Boba to the often cold and ruthless portrayals from some of the old 1990s books. I never wanted to see him that way. Since canon (and by canon I only mean the movies, as the books were never absolute canon to me) was so vague about him, I felt like people could see him as anything they wanted and it wouldn't go against canon. While I don't agree with Disney on a lot of their decisions, I am so thrilled with how they're handling Boba. I hope the TV series will end satisfyingly. I kind of suspect it will, though, and how it will end.

Just finished a fic today and am planning for the next one. I set up for it at the end of this one.

I'm still getting commissions. I'm waiting on one now. It's impossible for me to resist a good deal on beautiful art of characters I love, especially when it's being made especially for me!

I'm also finally advancing on my doll project. I can't remember if I discussed getting one for Radley's friend Scotch. I also just got one to be the one I call Biff. I'm looking into some more right now. I love the My Scene dolls. They're taller than the ones I have for Radley and Kalin, but the heads align, which is the main thing I'm concerned about. I'll probably end up having all of the boy My Scene dolls before the project is through, and multiples of characters with vastly different hair in releases, like River, who can hence play two or three Bunch members.

I have three Kalin and Radley doujinshis. I love them very much. There are others out there, but I haven't got my hands on physical copies yet.

I've been making a lot of home-cooked meals lately, as with my various problems with food this past year I've needed to do my own versions of them. I've made lots of waffles and enjoy it quite a bit. I also discovered I can make chili. Yum. And while most fake cheese just doesn't cut it, I do like the kinds that Morningstar and Daiya use in their meals. Daiya makes it with garbanzo beans! They've started selling it separately and I've been making pizzas with it.

I'm driving again, which is extremely momentous for me. Unlike before, I'm actually enjoying it and not crippled by fear. I honestly believe God has always used YGO to improve my life. YGO Classic caused me to learn how to write and draw far better and make many friends, some of whom are still friends. Because of my love of Radley in 5Ds, I started wanting to ride a motorcycle. But you have to have a regular driver's license first. So I finally felt ready to try again after the traumatizing experience I had years ago. I got my learner's permit and have been driving since October. I will be trying for the full license soon. I prayed and prayed for years on help conquering my fear of driving and nothing worked until Radley came along. Thank You, God.

Current Mood: okay

Crash Town, USA.

A mysterious Western town that's all the talk in underground circles. People go there to make their fortunes in the valuable but taxing dyne mines and are never heard from again. Fortune-seekers, gamblers, people who want to drop off the radar, and those hoping to investigate what's going on all congregate in this small and deadly Western desert town. They find more than they bargained for.

Two rival gangs are vying for control of the dyne mine in the mountain just outside the town. Each night, both gangs put up a Duelist who has agreed to fight for them. They play a dangerous game of Duel Monsters, with the loser agreeing to work for the boss of the winner in the mines. The miners disappear. So does anyone who tries to put a stop to what's happening. As if that wasn't enough, a restless supernatural force sometimes turns harmless card effects real during Duels. This force seems to linger around the cemetery, but it's beginning to permeate through the town the longer the duel gangs fight. What else is it capable of? And will anyone survive its wrath when it reaches full power?

Crash Town is a modern Western/supernatural panfandom RPG based around the Crash Town arc from the anime Yu-Gi-Oh! 5Ds. Both canon characters and original characters are welcome.

Characters from YGO series are especially desired, of course, but since it's panfandom, it's for everyone to come play.

Current Mood: cheerful

For the last several weeks, I've known that MoonlightTyger would be coming out here for a day trip to a favorite theme park. I was invited to come with her and her sister and her friend, but wasn't sure until a few days ago that it would work out. And me being me, I stayed skeptical still worrying it wouldn't work out right up to the end and finally allowed myself to get excited the night before.

The rides to and from were very fun. We all have a lot of common interests, so it was neat talking about them and listening to the music they had brought. It took less time driving than I thought it would too, only about an hour instead of closer to ninety minutes! That was great for arrival times, but I was sad when it was time to say Goodbye so soon!

I've honestly never been to a theme park. The closest I've ever come is the state fair a couple of times and some carnivals for various holidays. It was a pretty amazing experience! It was all decked out for Halloween with hanging pumpkins and Jack-O-Lanterns and pretty lights and silly fake gravestones everywhere. I get motion-sick on almost any rides and sometimes still in the car, so I knew coasters were not a good idea. But my main deal was wanting to go in haunted houses, since due to Dad being a chronic Halloween Grinch, that's also something I've never done. And I kind of hoped I might find something awesome on the midway, since I know licensed character plushies turn up at the games on those.

I saw the licensed character booth on our way in, with Pokemon and Mario characters. I immediately wanted a big Daisy I saw hanging there. Ironically, I don't think I've ever played a game with her, except maybe Mario Party. But I love her personality, and of course I'm tickled her name is Daisy. We decided to do the attractions first.

There were several haunted attractions and I chose a couple that sounded creepy but not uncomfortable. Like one I rejected said it featured the devil. No. So MoonlightTyger and I tried a nice mansion. There was a hallway with those silly, creepy pictures that look normal and change to skeletons or zombies, lol. Then there were various freaky rooms. My favorite was a library with a fireplace and a kitty. At first it looked like a dead end, but MoonlightTyger finally saw the dark hallway to go down. There was eventually a mad scientist and a weird elevator operator. There was some disgusting imagery along the way, but I'd figured long ago there likely would be since a lot of people seem to like making Halloween gory. So I had managed to brace myself for that. It was fun and over all too soon, lol. (Of course, I'm sure MoonlightTyger was relieved it was over!)

I had also wanted to try a haunted ghost town. The website made it sound like it was outside and walking around to different buildings that were haunted, but it was all indoors. It was longer, being a whole town set-up, and to my surprise it was gorier than the regular haunted house. The outlaw ghosts were fun and very plunnying. There were freaky animatronics, like one floating over a cemetery, and something that looked like a scarecrow wielding a scythe. The church had ghosts rocking in the pews. So creepy! I got some nice imagery from both houses to use in fics, and I hope to get on that right away.

We walked around the regular town set-up, which had restored buildings from pioneer days. So cool! I love things like that. There was a church, a house, some cabins, and a main street of businesses. One had a miniature circus and lots of dolls on display. Some super old plushies too. It looked like the images were painted onto a cloth body shaped like the animal. Fascinating!

On the midway, MoonlightTyger and I played Whac-a-Mole. She was amazing at it! I don't know whether I was doing something wrong or if the machines just weren't registering me so well. I was hitting every thing, but it consistently gave me low scores. But since MoonlightTyger was getting a perfect score, we won and she won the Daisy for me! Squeee. Daisy is so soft. I should have brought my Disney tote bag along from my backpack just in case of winning something as I had hoped, but I hadn't been sure it would fit in the smaller red bag I had decided to carry through the park and left it in the backpack instead. So I just carried Daisy in my arms for the rest of the trip.

Throughout all of this, MoonlightTyger's sister and friend wanted to ride a particularly scary coaster twice and go on a water ride. Then we all regrouped and all three were able to go on MoonlightTyger's favorite ride when the lines were short! I knew I didn't dare try a coaster, so I watched their stuff and texted with Crystal for a bit.

To finish, we went in the gift shop and I found a hilariously adorable bookmark and pen set of a gray kitty holding a sword. LOL. I almost freaked when I saw the manufacturer name looked like Kalin, but then I saw it was Kalan. Oh well, still close!

All in all, such a lovely experience! I love meeting dear friends in person and it was so neat to get to do something like this at long last and for it to be so close to my birthday. I'm so happy it all worked out!

With things still upsidedown here, I haven't been sure Dad would even be able to go out and select anything for my birthday, and I certainly didn't want to impose and ask, so I decided the best idea would be for me to get a few things for myself when I was getting groceries and such. I still wanted a nice birthday, and knowing everything I'm getting (aside from friends' gifts) is better than getting nothing. I bought a couple of things a few weeks ago and put them away for that, and I got a bit more this past week. I'm also, of course, hoping to be Radley for Halloween. I've had the most horrible time finding any fake leather jackets in American sizes that I can afford. There were only two real options: one in the right size that said it would ship in 1-2 months and might not even come in time, or one a size smaller than my usual. Of course, I took a gamble on the latter. It came yesterday! It is very soft and I hugged it. It fits if I don't close it, and Radley always wears his open anyway, so that works.

I also learned almost too late that most Disney Stores are closing. My main one was already gone by the time I was told. My uncle managed to take me to the other one last week on the very last day. There was barely anything left, and even less that was of interest to me. I finally got The Rise of Skywalker on Blu-Ray and Digital. I can use the digital code, and this will be more incentive to get a Blu-Ray player. I saw Target's mini Disney Store and was underwhelmed (but at least I heard a beautiful song, You Carried Me With You, on their screen). JCPenney has a better selection of stuff, though, honestly. And they're closer. I came home and signed up for the Disney Store website, but the prices are abominable! $20 for one doll when it used to be $12! They sent me a free shipping coupon and I was having trouble finding anything to use it on. Finally they randomly reduced the price of a Cinderella plushie and I got her. She came yesterday too! So far she's still in the mailer, as I was hoping to save her for my birthday. I might have tried to do that with the jacket too, but I felt I needed to test that immediately since the size was not my usual. (And since I was so excited by that I didn't think I could wait, lol.)

I also ordered some of the YGO 5Ds manga and it came this week too. I'm also trying to save it for my birthday. Volume 4, which is one of the ones I want most, has become mysteriously hard to get. Aurgh! So I thought I should hurry and grab the others I most wanted. 4 may come back in stock for Books a Million on the 4th, so I'll be watching that closely. I may get all nine volumes eventually.

I had a strange but nice dream of shopping in a store and finding Radley-related merchandise. Weirdly, in the dream he was a Frozen character, lol. I woke up before I fully checked out, but at least I was checking out. Many shopping dreams have me unable to complete purchases because of the stuff mysteriously disappearing. The dream felt rather true to life, as with my Halloween shopping, I do rather consider I'm buying Radley merchandise, lol. I got the wig last night with an eBay gift card and I associate the jacket with him so strongly, it felt like he was real and the jacket was an actual connection with him. Yes, I know that's nonsense. No, I don't know why this particular comfort character makes me feel that way, as I haven't for any of the others, even Marik. But there you go.

I saw a lovely top someone was wearing at the park that said "Only God can judge me." I immediately knew I had to draw Radley wearing a jacket that says that. I hope to do that today.

Current Mood: cheerful

I hope you've had an amazing day, my friend. Maybe you've been visiting with other loved ones up there or even seeing favorite celebrities, if they are giving new concerts up there. Maybe spare a thought or two for those of us down here who miss you so much. I know you miss us too. I wish there was an IM service that connected to Heaven. Wouldn't that be the most incredible thing? Then it really would be like you are still here in some fashion. Although for your family, it certainly wouldn't be the same, but still so much better than not really being able to ever communicate anymore.

We're having plumbing problems with the kitchen sink again, just like we were the night I found out you'd died. This really isn't the way I wanted to commemorate your birthday. I'd rather write a sweet friendship ficlet.

I miss our late-night chats so much. Usually I can't even think much about them because it hurts too much knowing there will never be any more of them.

I never even had the chance to say Goodbye.

Happy Birthday. I wish it was like old times and I'd have a card and a present for you. Instead, all I have is this, well wishes, and lots of tears.

Current Mood: sad

So I haven't been happy with G5 of My Little Pony ever since the info came out about all the Pony races being separate. Totally depressing enough, but at least it was supposed to be a new verse. Now more info shows that it's the G4 verse way in the future. Twilight and company are still alive, apparently, as they're going to be in it in supporting roles or something, last I heard, and come on, you know they'd never stand for something like that happening. They must be missing or trapped or something and the new main characters will have to find them. Ugh. I most likely will refuse to accept G5 as canon unless I can think of it as AU. I already don't accept season nine of G4 as canon. The quality was really low, as seen especially in episodes like Cheese Sandwich's second one. I watched it back to back with his first episode and the quality difference was absolutely glaring. The first episode was him and Pinkie wanting to make people happy with special parties tailored to each Pony's interests. The second was just stupid, about him running a prank factory and mentioning very little about the special parties.

Thinking about anything Pony-related of course makes me think of JP and how I can't share these things with him anymore. I'm so upset about his death that I can't even deal with it; my mind has literally subconsciously locked the memories and the pain away. If I think about him too long, it breaks the seal and I usually end up crying again. I just can't comprehend that he's no longer here, that all the late-night conversations and him wanting to share his latest interests is all a thing of the past.

This year is horrible and the summer especially has been nightmare after nightmare. Mom and I came down sick for a month. I don't think it was Covid because we didn't seem to have the symptoms. I really think it was a normal flu. (Of course, I realize sometimes that cursed virus manifests itself as a flu-like thing. If we did have it, our experience must have been middle of the road. It wasn't mild like some lucky people had it, but it wasn't the most severe either.) I definitely remember feeling horrible like that sometimes as a kid. Then Dad falls right in the driveway and breaks his hip so badly he has to have a hip replacement. He's recovering amazingly well and is able to be home, but now our home has become a hospital ward and people think they can troup in day and night to visit, even when he's trying to sleep. Sometimes they want to rearrange things the way they want them, whether we want it done or not. I hope Dad was firm enough now that it won't happen anymore. Yesterday was a chaotic nightmare and I was so exhausted. It's hard to get things done that actually need doing when there's so many people in and out all the time.

A family tragedy happened where a cousin suddenly had a heart attack and died, leaving his wife and many kids, some of whom are still young. His mother was having so many health problems that she couldn't even be told for a while because her condition was too delicate and they thought she might have a heart attack too. They were finally able to tell her and the funeral was this past Sunday and Monday. No one was told until the last minute and of course we weren't in any position to go, even if someone invited us. I was so upset about the death that I couldn't even process it at first. It just seemed too unreal, too unfair and horrible. He always struggled so hard to provide for his family, sometimes working multiple jobs.

There are other things happening too that I don't want to talk about.

I would much rather deal with Covid lockdown stress than any of what's happened this year. And fandom hasn't always been the escape for me that it usually is because I've been having some problems there too.

Screw you, 2021.

Current Mood: annoyed

What everyone wants to have happen: the HVAC unit dying in the middle of a heat wave. It got up to 92 degrees in the house and was so horrible it was hard to breathe, even with a fan. Dad actually consented to a repairman, but the guy insisted on $877! That was out of the question. The normal going price is between $100-$200, I believe. Dad was disgusted and fed-up and insisted on doing it himself. There were many setbacks and problems, such as an idiot sending the completely wrong motor after Dad specifically went over the specs with him several times! After a week of hellish temperatures, off-set a bit by fans and a cute portable AC, Dad and my brother finally fixed it! HALLELUJAH. And now we know more about electricity and how HVAC motors work. And the sounds they make when they don't. There's a video on YouTube where a guy demonstrates the sound we'd been hearing, and the video opens with a shot of a bad motor sitting there making the sound, and for some reason that amuses me so much. I'm not sure why. Maybe it just seems funny to see it highlighted like that. But yes, that was a nightmare week.

I've been trying Discord because I wanted so much to find a nest of YGO fans. There have been many ups and downs. But I got closer to a silent fic reader friend I've casually known for a while and we have an RP going, and I have a couple of other steady RPs going, so that's all really nice. I still just love RPs.

Fic writing and art-making go on. I also dabbled in fanmixes and have two for Kalin and Radley on YouTube. I just *love* that so many artists are putting their songs officially on YouTube! All but I think two of the songs on the mixes are officially up on the artists' channels. I have pages on my YGO website to discuss the song choices in detail. For some reason, the YouTube descriptions won't load on mobile devices well, plus there's a character limit, which I hit for the second mix.

I've been having so much fun finding new music for the mixes when I need specific topical songs. Occasionally it's frustrating when I can't find something that fits, like a song where someone is annoyed by someone who isn't a jerk ex but doesn't want to kill the annoying person (seriously, why are there so many extreme songs where someone wants to kill the annoying person? WTH. Yeah, yeah, I know it's because there are many people who feel like that even if they wouldn't really do it, but it's frustrating when you're looking for something not as extreme), but in the end I've found things that work! Yes, I finally found a song about being annoyed with someone that was exactly what I wanted, so close that it felt like it was written for the specific situation of Kalin suffering from depression and self-hatred in Crash Town and repeatedly rejecting Radley because of feeling he's not sincere! (I Don't Even Care About You by Missio.) That was an amazing moment.

My icon is also related to my fanmix projects. I realized Evanescence's My Heart is Broken is perfect for the scenario in my fics where Radley is forced to sacrifice himself to save the others and Kalin can't deal with it. I'd forgotten that red text washes out once icons are saved; it was much brighter in my program.

I am obsessed with the band Red. I stumbled on a song of theirs called Hymn for the Missing by accident, was intrigued, and finally looked up lots of their stuff on Friday. IT IS INCREDIBLE. Squee songs and hurt/comfort songs and angsty songs and now I have seven of their songs on my second mix because THEY'RE SO PERFECT. I even found songs that could fit for amnesia situations! (Probably not what they were intended to be, but that's half the fun when a song can be interpreted multiple ways!)

I'm also customizing dolls. I wanted Kalin and Radley dolls (so I could stroke Radley's pretty hair, lol). It's not easy finding boy dolls with rooted hair, but Jay from Descendants is perfect for Radley with a little paint to lighten his skin tone to Radley's. Their proportions are so odd, though, that then to match up with him, my only choice for Kalin was a rooted hair Carlos. The post office has been aggravatingly slow about delivering him, but he should be here tomorrow. The hair is shorter than I'd wanted, but I'll work with it. I don't feel like rerooting or making a wig. I'm nervous how the hair dyeing will go, but hopefully it will work out. I have clothes all sewn for him and some Ken shoes that will hopefully fit.

Current Mood: cheerful

So I found this totally dead Livejournal group for 5Ds fics. They have a table. Think I can do 'em all?

001.	Forever	002.	Clear	003.	Dusk	004.	Once More	005.	Distrust
006.	Lonely	007.	Morals and Values	008.	Giving up	009.	Shock	010.	Soft
011.	Hurricane's Eye	012.	Meek	013.	Rest	014.	If Only	015.	In Between
016.	Reflection	017.	Medicine	018.	Out of Time	019.	Discrimination	020.	Doorknob
021.	Bonds	022.	Don't Worry	023.	Freak	024.	Non Verbal Communication	025.	Present
026.	Lost	027.	Sight	028.	Barrier	029.	Nude	030.	Surface
031.	Travel	032.	Reach for the Stars	033.	Childhood	034.	Oppose	035.	Sacred
036.	Force	037.	Barely There	038.	Weather	039.	Propose	040.	That One Lie
041.	Friends	042.	Virus	043.	Ice Cold	044.	Birthday	045.	Downtime
046.	Twisted	047.	Experiences	048.	Learning	049.	Break	050.	Cut
051.	Scar	052.	Fading	053.	Small Talk	054.	Poignant	055.	Shreds
056.	One Dream	057.	Comfort	058.	Blanket	059.	Keepsake	060.	Change of Heart
061.	Unusual	062.	Fight	063.	Sunrise	064.	Passing Through	065.	Hand
066.	Betray	067.	Shatter	068.	Taken in Stride	069.	Uniform	070.	Supernatural
071.	Innocent	072.	Pet	073.	Cling	074.	Fire	075.	Doesn't Matter
076.	Believe in You	077.	Nightmare	078.	Cold Ground	079.	Last Second	080.	Clumsy
081.	Blood Spilled	082.	Innocence	083.	Follower	084.	Drug	085.	Don't Stop
086.	Fool	087.	Afternoon Meal	088.	Build	089.	End	090.	Simple
091.	Code of Honor	092.	Connect	093.	Rebirth	094.	Never	095.	How Far We've Come
096.	Writer's Choice - Hair	097.	Writer's Choice - Romance	098.	Writer's Choice	099.	Writer's Choice	100.	Writer's Choice

Current Mood: curious

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The Winter Court of the Insane, Philosophical Ladybug

We were so carefree then, our hearts were on a cloud ...

Recent Cases

We'll Carry On

Birthday Preparations

Dreams Are Weird.

Mandatory Check-In

Downs and ups.

...

...

Life Updates, to some extent

Kazuki Takahashi, a dear friend I have never met who changed my life

Eevees!

So much cute!

Redo of Pokemon Quiz

Pokemon and YGO

Update

Looking for castmates for Crash Town panfandom RPG!

Finally, a happy post!

Happy Birthday in Heaven

WTH, G5?

Life goes on.

5Ds_100 table