The Winter Court of the Insane, Philosophical Ladybug

I hope you've had an amazing day, my friend. Maybe you've been visiting with other loved ones up there or even seeing favorite celebrities, if they are giving new concerts up there. Maybe spare a thought or two for those of us down here who miss you so much. I know you miss us too. I wish there was an IM service that connected to Heaven. Wouldn't that be the most incredible thing? Then it really would be like you are still here in some fashion. Although for your family, it certainly wouldn't be the same, but still so much better than not really being able to ever communicate anymore.

We're having plumbing problems with the kitchen sink again, just like we were the night I found out you'd died. This really isn't the way I wanted to commemorate your birthday. I'd rather write a sweet friendship ficlet.

I miss our late-night chats so much. Usually I can't even think much about them because it hurts too much knowing there will never be any more of them.

I never even had the chance to say Goodbye.

Happy Birthday. I wish it was like old times and I'd have a card and a present for you. Instead, all I have is this, well wishes, and lots of tears.

It has been extremely stressful almost from the time I last wrote anything here. I discovered the worst pain I have ever had in my life, which seems to have been caused by rupturing ovarian cysts, and I'm still trying to get my body back to normal. There's other cysts that may or may not be cancerous, although the doctor doesn't really think they are. He didn't even see the ultrasound pictures, though! He just read the hospital's report! We're waiting to see if the blasted things shrink on their own while I try some natural remedies and foods that are supposed to help. The doctor doesn't think food has anything to do with it, but I've found that my problems and the pain seem to pivot around foods. I've mostly felt a lot better and I discovered standing and walking are very helpful. I racked up a horrific bill just from the tests they did and I'm trying to qualify for Medicaid. I just thought everything was okay and now they seem to be demanding I redo all the information again?! WTH?! Aurgh! I tried to call them on Friday but couldn't get anyone and I'll have to try again tomorrow.

My birthday was peaceful, at least, but low-key. I still haven't had my outing. We were hoping to try for this coming week, but now we have a new house problem to deal with, as our bathroom light fixture decided to bork and now we have to light it with nightlights. We've been having so many house problems the last few months, mostly plumbing but also some electric issues. Our water pressure is horrendous. It's been wrecked ever since the city forced new pipes on everyone last year, and it's gotten worse for us in the last several months.

To compensate for no outing, I bought a lot of things online to have for my birthday. It was fun, but it doesn't take the place of physically visiting a store. It's the whole experience that's so fun, not just buying things. Although the irony is that I likely wouldn't be able to find much of anything I want in a physical store. It seems like what I want is either cheaper online or only available online.

Some other, more minor stressful things happened the past week, but because of my emotional state dealing with my health problems they tipped me over the edge. It's ironic and frustrating that I really try so hard to control myself online, but the few times I just can't take it anymore I get branded as some kind of horrible thing. Also ironic is that while they're thinking how awful I am, I'm emotionally tearing myself to pieces for weeks afterward because I said or did something that hurt someone. I have a lot of problems with anxiety and have for years. I've never been officially diagnosed, but reading up on the symptoms certainly matches my states of mind when I go into those ways and I fully believe I have an anxiety disorder. I would love to talk to a therapist, but we can't afford that either. And I certainly can't think about that when we're not sure the Medicaid went through. If I can really qualify for ongoing Medicaid and not just temporary, maybe then I can consider a therapist. I only really realized how badly I needed one two and a half years ago when I sank into a really bad depression and self-loathing state. A friend who is a therapist in another state really helped me a lot to be able to pull out of it. If only she lived here. I had a small-scale setback into such a state this past week because of those stressful things and what happened because of them. That friend plus other friends have been helping me pull out of it again and helping me see that I'm not the scum of the earth, which is how I was feeling.

I also lapsed into another frantic "Buy, buy, buy!" mode this past week, like I did in April when the lockdown started. Apparently that's going to be a thing with me now and I've developed full-blown retail therapy problems when under extreme stress. Although at least I'm not buying up everything under the sun; I still study things out for days to get what I really want. This round I wanted YGO things and I bought an official YGO coloring book and one of the Scholastic character guides, this one focusing on the villains. I wish I'd known about all these wonderful YGO things Scholastic put out at the time. I was looking and looking for things like that and could never find them. Apparently they did a whole line of character guides in 2006. I wonder why they waited until then. That was when the show ended!

I wrote all of the Whumptober prompts into a connected storyline and am posting them. I was delayed for several days when the worst of my physical pains were happening, but I've got back on track and am posting on the correct days again. I'm trying to do the Comfortember ones too, but they aren't plunnying me as much, so I'm not sure I'll do all of them. But I don't have any other story ideas other than expanding one of Nesbitt's hallucinations into a full fic really happening and taking place in another verse, so I want to keep trying. I love to write and feel like to not be able to is to lock part of my soul away.

The hallucination I want to expand is for Dartz to trick Nesbitt into using the Orichalcos. For some reason I've been wanting to write a storyline similar to Mai's season 4 arc. I don't know why, really, because that was gut-wrenching. But I finally figured out how to work it in a way I like. Nesbitt is feeling horrible because of his weakness in almost abandoning the others in Noa's world, so Dartz preys on that and tells him the Orichalcos will make him strong. In Nesbitt's state of mind, he believes that and thinks it will help him be a better friend, so he accepts it and then it corrupts him. He has no idea about soul-stealing or swallowing the world with a giant sea snake until after it corrupts him, which seemed to be the same with Mai in canon. In the dub, at least, Dartz most certainly doesn't tell her any of those things until she agrees to accept it. You can see in her face that the corruption is instantaneous. Very chilling.

As much as I love and adore Lector and have given him some of my personality traits in how I write for him, I really went to town with Nesbitt and base him on me even more. His insecurities, his struggles with his weaknesses, blurting things out he shouldn't and beating himself up over it, his asexuality, is all based on me. In the Japanese he doesn't seem to have some of his issues, like wanting to pretend he's a machine, so I deliberately write him based on the dub version because I find his manias so interesting and a writing goldmine. I do, however, use his Japanese backstory in how Seto treats him, which was even more appalling than in the dub. He tells Nesbitt not to get underfoot when the new engineer arrives, aurgh. So cruel when Nesbitt was the top engineer! (And semi-related, I read a short fic on Crump based on the Japanese version where Seto said something horrible to him when he brought the idea of a penguin sanctuary and theme park, something about crushing Crump like a soda can if he didn't drop the idea?! If that was really what he said in the Japanese, horrible! And of course, Seto learned all that kind of behavior from Gozaburo. So sickening how Gozaburo poisoned that once-innocent mind.) Honestly, aside from them letting Pegasus take Mokuba, I'm more on the Big Five's side than Seto's, up to the point where they first start messing with virtual reality. As horrible as Seto treated them, that wasn't justified. I wish the dub hadn't inserted a murder plot in season 1 that didn't exist. I can't even watch that episode in the original dub anymore because that sickens me so. I always watch it in the uncut dub instead. I'm glad that was one of the few episodes that made it into the uncut dub.

I'm still getting pictures from ElfBean. Her latest is from my fic where Lector is a vigilante and I just adore it so much!

I feel like drawing a picture of Lector laying on his bed in his dress shirt and pants and tie, looking up at the ceiling. Usually it's Nesbitt I depict without his suitcoat, but after an RP scene I feel like I really want to show Lector like that too, squeee. He would look amazing! (Of course, he always looks amazing, heh.)

I had a really awesome and fun dream the other day about playing a video game where the player is interacting with the Big Five. Their memories have been mysteriously wiped and the goal is to help them find something they're looking for and restore their memories. It would work great as a visual novel type game, and apparently there are sites where people can make games like that without years of programming lessons! I definitely want to try it out! I have the sprites from the Nightmare Troubadour game that would be perfect to use in it! They looked so amazing in that game!

This is the checklist of everything I've bought for my birthday and a bit afterwards:

- Set of the first four Anna & Elsa chapter books set after the first Frozen
- The most recent Frozen 5 Minute Stories collection, the red cover one
- Frozen Blu-Ray and DVD combo (if we ever get a Blu-Ray, I can see all the cool bonus content!)
- Star Wars Qui-Gon Jinn 12 inch figure
- Star Wars Obi-Wan Kenobi from episode 1 12 inch figure
- Yu-Gi-Oh! Twisted Nightmares double deck set of Yami Bakura and Yami Marik (sooo awesome and perfect for my Yami Bakura memorabilia collection! There's a game mat with characters on it, and Skill cards with them on them, and cards at the beginning of the decks with them on them.)
- Halloween face mask that says Trick or Treat in an eerie font, perfect to use with my recycled Yami Bakura costume this year
- Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Chaos coloring book
- Yu-Gi-Oh! uncut dub volume 2, The Insector Combo (the only volume of uncut I don't have, and I finally decided I wanted it)
- Yu-Gi-Oh! character guide to villains
- Autumn socks

I am not kidding. Last night we started hearing weird noises. At first it sounded like someone going up and down stairs, but no one was there to do that (unless it was one of the ghosts Mom and I know hang out here). A little later, more odd sounds. The house makes lots of odd sounds all the time, and has been doing it even more the last couple of months, so I didn't pay a great deal of attention ... although when it kept happening I got more suspicious. Then I went into the kitchen and heard a distinctive crash of something metal. I thought either a cat was locked in the garage or that maybe I'd forgot to lock the door and a creep was in there. I turned on the light ... and saw the attic was caving in. Dad's been trying to fix up the basement and apparently he stored too much stuff up there. Gah. It looked sturdy, but it apparently wasn't as sturdy as it seemed. I had to wake him up and he didn't believe me at first, but then I got him to go look and he saw I was right. He had to hurry out there and find stuff to try to brace it so it wouldn't get worse. I had him turn off the electricity in the garage today, so that if it tears free and takes out an electric cord hooking up a lightbulb attached to a beam right over the mess, there won't be the potential of the cord breaking and starting a fire. He's hoping to get some people to help him tomorrow with a truck and getting beams from Home Depot to try to fix this mess before it gets even worse. He said it wasn't as bad as it looked and that it was one little section falling in, but honestly, it looks to me like the whole thing is strained and could all come down at any time. I hope he's right that the beams still standing are strong enough to hold it all up with the assistance of the braces.

Man, I'm sure glad no one was in the attic when that happened. Or in the garage. Some of the boxes fell through the floor and hit the garage floor, and more are poised to do that if something doesn't hold in the bracing.

Ugggh. My Ginger and Lou webcomic was originally created to document house problems large and small. I feel like I should try to make a comic out of this mess. Maybe turning it into something to laugh at will help. Hearing the weird noises, dismissing them, and then finding the attic caving in would work. I don't know if I'll keep it that it's happening in their house, though. I don't want to break their house. I might have it be something weird happening at a bed and breakfast they're staying at or something.

One thing that was certainly a comfort amid all the madness was the awesome package I got yesterday from ThickerThanLove! Squeeee. She surprised me with a ton of Sailor Moon CDs, a couple of the old TokyoPop comics (one from R arc and one from S arc), a charm necklace, and two YGO DVDs! It was incredible! So much awesomeness. She said she was sending a little something, and I sure never expected anything like that!

I also had some nice conversations in the nighttime and into the morning. I was talking to JP when the attic caved in and was exclaiming to him about it. I've also been renewing an old friendship and it's been wonderful.

I did end up buying those magnets, by the way, and they arrived on Thursday. So much awesomeness there, too! The seller was only missing a few out of the 100 set, and almost everything there had doubles. I have two Yami Bakura magnets, one regular and one shiny, and the same for Seto! And many cute Yugi ones, and some awesome Atem ones, and there's also Joey and Mai. And Pegasus. I need to contact the friends I know who like Pegasus and ask if they'd like my Pegasus doubles....

I wish the Japanese PVC figures weren't so expensive I can't afford them, because they're so awesome! I would like to have them all, but I would especially like the previously mentioned Yami Bakura one, of course, and also both Marik and Yami Marik. The Yamis I don't have in figure form at all, and even though I have the Mattel Marik figures, this one is in a class by himself! If I ever could get them (which I never could), I'd probably display Yami Marik with the freaky face option he comes with so I could get a good laugh, LOL. As horrifying as the faces are, they also amuse me in a "WTH, you are seriously messed up" kind of way. Mom commented on what it would be like to wake up with that looking at you every day. LOL.

We also have dental appointments this week. I'm really hoping that will work out even with this attic mess, because I've needed to see about a tooth that's been bothering me for ages. We go to my brother dentists, and the nearest one practices about an hour away, and it's been difficult getting up there. I'll have to miss the activity with the church girls this week, most likely, but I think I need to jump on the chance to finally be able to see about the tooth.

I can't deny I'm also hoping that while I'm up there, I'll be able to both get to at least one Toys R Us and also see about my smartphone or tablet problem at Target (maybe). I wore out every possibility of getting Duel Links to work now, including Android emulators. The only way anything will work here is if I install it on a device Dad uses frequently, as those are the only ones with current operating systems. I really don't want to do that and I don't think he would like it too much either. I want to have the freedom of having it on a device of my own, so I can do whatever I want with it. The phone just doesn't seem to be working out; it doesn't have enough free space because of all the bloatware. I'm concerned to get it and try it because of that. It's a ZTE Maven 3, and the reviews for it are pretty frightening. I'm now leaning instead towards getting a Fire tablet. Google Play Store can be installed on it (I've read about and seen demonstrations of how) and people have been playing Duel Links on it and say it works beautifully. Plus, my poor tablet really is getting on and I think I need a more recent tablet anyway to handle some other stuff that isn't working on the old tablet anymore. Even if I could get the Maven 3 phone to work, I think a tablet would be a better choice in the long run. Fire tablet is about the only tablet I can afford that has good reviews. And even at that, it's a strain right now. I need a Target gift card from one of my survey companies to really hope to make it work. I have enough, but the last few points haven't processed yet. Hoping they will in time....

Then Toys R Us.... I don't think it's really sunk in yet that they're all going. I knew that would probably happen once they filed for bankruptcy, but I still hoped. And there's a businessman right now who's trying to get enough money to save 400 of the stores. I don't think he's going to make it, but he and the people able to donate are sure trying. His fundraiser goes through Memorial Day. http://www.gofundme.com/helpsavetoysrus/

Anyway, with that slim hope, I keep wanting to believe they really won't all shut down. But I know they likely will, and regardless, I want to get to the liquidation sales before everything good is gone. So much of the good stuff flew out of K-Mart so fast, like the Pony stuff and the Miraculous Ladybug figures at the nearest branch. I would like to go to both the Toys R Us up in the approximate area of the dentist and also the one closest to us, but definitely at least one of them. And I suppose I'll need to prepare to break down crying when I really see everything going. It was hard enough with K-Mart and Borders. (Not so hard with Media Play, because then they just changed ownership and names and the store basically stayed the same, with 85% of the same contents.) I love Toys R Us much more.

One thing I do know: I'm pretty sure that I do not want to see any Toys R Us on the last days it's open. It was too hard and too wrong seeing that with K-Mart especially.

And I don't think I've ever mentioned how much I love the Evanescence song Imperfection and why. Of course, what really frustrates me about it is the unnecessary F word. I always liked that Evanescence didn't swear in their songs, and then they go and do it in a really beautiful one, one of the only recent songs of theirs that's really stood out to me. I went through the lyrics of the songs I hadn't heard from their vinyl compilation album as well as Synthesis (neither of which I even knew about until recently) and Imperfection was one of the only ones I really liked. Luckily for me, I found a clean version someone put up that I can play on Repeat while I'm learning the song myself. I can mostly sing it now. (And needless to say, yes, I'm singing it clean.)

Just on its own merits, I think the message of the song is quite powerful. And then for me, I can relate it to my current YGO verse and that makes me love it more.

To elaborate: I picture it during a fight between good and evil, perhaps THE fight that's started looming over everybody since my verse began with The Pendulum Swings. Yami Bakura has always struggled with trying to be good, since he's lived most of his life in hate. Shadi has warned him if he fails, the Infinity Ring will abandon him and he will be burned alive and fall to the shadows. No pressure. (**sarcasm.**) But Bakura insists he can do it, and that he will always be there to help him. He also insists that Yami Bakura is good, despite Yami Bakura's insistence to the contrary. The song, to me, is Bakura trying to buoy him up, encourage him that he can do this, and that he isn't alone. And also, that Bakura loves him just as he is, that even in spite of the embarrassment of him eating like a wild animal and him still getting a kick out of teasing people by scaring them (albeit more harmlessly now), Bakura could never and would never replace him.

My version, then, with two slightly tweaked words, goes like this:

The more you try to fight it
The more you try to hide it
The more infected, rejected, you feel alone inside it
You know you can't deny it
The world gets a little more screwed up everyday

I'm gonna save you from it
Together we'll outrun it
Just don't give into the fear
So many things I would've told you
If I knew that I was never gonna see you again

I wanna lift you up into the light that you deserve
I wanna take your pain into myself so you won't hurt

Don't you dare surrender
Don't leave me here without you
'Cause I could never
Replace your perfect imperfection

The way you look us over
Your counterfeit composure
Pushing again and again and sinking lower and lower
The world is on our shoulders
Do you really know the weight of the words you say?

You want a little of it
You just can't let go of it
You've got an ego to feed
Too late to rise above it
Don't look now but the little boy's got a grenade

I'm gonna lift you up into the light you deserve
I'm gonna take you down to the real world so you can watch it burn

Don't you dare surrender
Don't leave me here without you
'Cause I would never
Replace your perfect imperfection

We stand undefined
Can't be drawn with a straight line
This will not be our ending
We are alive, we are alive

Don't you dare surrender
Don't leave me here without you
'Cause I would never
Replace your perfect imperfection

Don't you dare surrender
I'm still right beside you
And I would never
Replace your perfect imperfection

And then alternately, strictly thinking of canon, I've also pictured the song as Rishid to Marik as Marik's trying to fight against Yami Marik. I like that interpretation too, but I do find myself partial to the Bakura and Yami Bakura version in my fic verse.

So the closer we get to the DuckTales reboot, the more I dread it. Most people seem to get more excited the more they learn, while I get more uneasy. My suspicions that it will be a mix of DuckTales and comic elements are shared by others. Of course, the thing that worries me most about bringing in comic elements is that Scrooge just wasn't as close to his family in the comics, whereas their bond in the series was probably the sweetest thing about it. I just watched a YouTube video where someone was musing at length on that point. My one hope for the new series is that Launchpad made a cute quote about family, so perhaps family will still be a driving force.

Of course, in the end, eh, it's just a TV show and if I don't like it I can always put on the classic. Which I'm sure I will do even if I do end up liking the new one. They just released the opening and it's fun enough. I'm glad Glomgold will be sticking to his TV series roots instead of his comic roots. But still super leery overall. Also really hoping it won't be a period piece like the comics.... I think that would depress me.

Ah well. I need to think about other matters, like how to celebrate Christopher Cary's birthday today. I dug up a trailer for a movie he made called Beyond the Universe and squeed all over that he was in the trailer. It's not my kind of movie at all; I hate post-apocalyptic stuff. But I'd watch it for him. It looks like his part in it is pretty big.

Maybe later today I'll watch his Riptide episode.

Also, still having a ball with my slice-of-life fic. I hope the readers won't be annoyed by its presence. It's mainly a bunch of conversations tying up loose ends from the prior fic, but there's also a mini-conflict and some hints of things to come.

Finally, we do have hot water again! Squeee!

Now the water heater is dead. It seems to be the thermocouple and maybe the pilot light too. Thank God this happened in summer and not winter, but ugggh, we need hot water! Warming some up on the stove every time we need it is not convenient. Oh, we are so pampered in this modern age. And now we'll have something else to pay for that we can't afford, yet we can't afford not to.

And I'm in super-headache mode from a combination of nervous insomnia and sitting too close to a movie screen thanks to assigned seating. Blech. (I loved the movie, but not the seating. I saw Wonder Woman and now I kind of want one of the dolls Wal-Mart is selling. They kept not making a Wonder Woman movie because she was "tricky" for them to grasp for some reason, but they did a basically awesome job with this one! Could have done without one scene, though. But I found it awesome that Robert Pine's son played Steve Trevor.) I hope this won't go on long; this is the second day of it. I thought I was feeling better, but it came back on after a while. And I have to get up early on Sunday for another singing assignment. I'm really worried that will mess me up for days on end now that this headache mess came on again.

Speaking of movies, haven't bought Beauty and the Beast yet. I haven't been able to get to Wal-Mart, plus I heard that most of them aren't even doing special release week sales and are charging $20 instead. Ugh. So far the cheapest price I've heard for it is $18 and I'm not sure I'm willing to pay that much, at least not right now. Especially with the Scottish Festival only a month away. Last year I actually bought stuff there, so this year I might find stuff again. I always like to have money on hand just in case.

Earlier I finally watched Planet of the Turtleoids again, on my Cowabunga Classics DVD. That was my introduction to liking the 87 series last summer (the DVD, not necessarily the episode), and getting it out again made me feel a burst of nostalgia. My favorite watching time with it was, I believe, either the first or second time I had it out. It was late at night and my light was about the only light on in the house at that time. I watched maybe four or five of the ten episodes and I was having a blast. I finally realized the 87 series was awesome. I couldn't get enough. I felt transported back to the 80's/early 90's. I felt like a kid again. And it felt so good.

I'm rather baffled by some of the episodes viewers apparently voted on for inclusion on the set (the Gadget Man episode, wow. I mean, I like it, but to vote for it as one of the ten best? Really?), but others I totally understand. Curse of the Evil Eye is definitely an epic one. Plus it's nice for Baxter fans. I remember my initial confusion over who the character was, as I believe previously I'd only seen the season 1 design. Then Shredder addressed him as Baxter and I finally got it. I was surprised. And I remember thinking "Whoa ... yikes" when Baxter threatened the Turtles with his clay monster. Initially I didn't feel terribly sympathetic to him just from that one episode, but after watching all of his episodes, boy, did that change.

One thing I've been wondering for ages: what is the writers' obsession with wombats? In a lot of the episodes, there's jokes about wombats. David Wise did it a lot, but so did Michael Reaves, I believe. And maybe others. What's so funny about wombats? Did they just like how the word sounded? Or did someone on the writing staff really like the critters? LOL.

Now I need to decide on my next story, as the one I planned to do next I'm not sure I want to do next. It's based on that dream I recorded about the antique mall and Baxter is undercover, but I can't make up my mind whether he gets stabbed like in the dream or not. If he does, he's healed by a religious relic the crooks were after, as I have no interest in writing complications from stab wounds in the chest or lengthy recoveries and it wouldn't work well for my series when one story blends into the next and time passes slowly between stories. (Not to mention when Baxter is the main character and he kind of needs to be functional from one story to the next.) But I used a religious relic already in a Kolchak story and both relics are based on the one in an episode of Mysterious Ways, so I don't know that I should use that relic again. Maybe I need a new one. Or maybe Baxter shouldn't be stabbed and something else happens. Stabbing wouldn't even be a consideration if not for the dream and wanting to follow it as closely as possible. I shall ponder on it. Probably within a day or two I'll know what to do. I believe the next story will be #50, so I should probably try to make it a special one. The religious relic bit would fit the bill for a special one, definitely, if I decide I want to go there.