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[insaneladybug]

This graphic I was shown today.... I can relate strongly to many of these. The overanalysis? Absolutely. Anyone who really knows me knows how I pick apart things fearing that I've done something wrong or that someone thinks I have. Terrified of dropping the mask? Oh yes. Online that isn't as much of an issue, but offline it is. Inability to share my feelings? Totally and completely, especially since I discovered that trying to tends to result in me being even more hurt. Self-doubt and questioning my worth? Yes. To some extent I relate to concerns that I'm overreacting too. Usually I find I wasn't concerned enough, instead of too much. Believing bad things will happen? Yes, although sadly and ironically enough, I'm also still stupid enough to keep thinking surely things will work out better this time and I stay in toxic situations far longer than I should because I keep foolishly believing there are ways to fix it.

I'm not sure what to make or feel about any of this. I'm damaged and I've known that for years. Relating to the graph feels like validation. But part of me thinks that there must be some other explanation when it's me, because of course my experiences haven't been as horrible as other people's, therefore, if anything I've been through was enough to traumatize me, it must mean I'm pathetic. And naturally, the very fact that I have such feelings must be further proof that I'm pretty damaged and that I've been made to feel very inadequate through the years. There are so many who try to lift me up, but the ones who emotionally stabbed me have really dug deep.

The worst blows, of course, are from people I trusted. Not my family, really, for the most part, but people I trusted almost as deeply. More than, in some cases. Although my brother gave me a lifelong hatred of being teased because of how he used to torment me. To this day I struggle with seeing teasing as good clean fun. For me it absolutely wasn't. I felt unrespected and disvalued. I don't think that was his intention, but that was the result. I dreaded being around him because 98% of the time, those negative experiences would result. No one really seemed to understand how upsetting it was to have things precious to me taken away or for me to get sat on. It was just "Oh, standard sibling teasing" and it wasn't supposed to be a big deal. It was a big deal. It affected me more deeply than other people, and whether that means I'm pathetic or not, I don't know.

Things that were upsetting to me were often treated as things no one should be upset about by non-family people I trusted implicitly. Tropes that distressed me to the point of agony or panic, like my hated way of dying, were mocked and treated like a joke and like no one else would be upset by it. If I was upset because of unkind things being said and said that was something that made me cry, I was laughed at. The reason why I'd get so upset was because I feared it meant the person wouldn't want anything more to do with me and would leave. That has often been the root of my distress. I don't know why I had that fear, but I did and still do. My default is still to think that if someone gets upset, they're going to leave. I know that is stupid. Although sometimes it really has happened.

Feeling inadequate extends to pretty much every aspect of what I do. Radley went through some horrible things in my verses: seeing torture, experiencing torture, feeling abandoned and left to die alone, really dying, having a terrifying out of body experience.... But it seems like other characters have had worse and that my attempts to write trauma are meager and that Radley shouldn't fall apart the way he does when triggered since the other characters who have been through even worse don't. To me it feels logical that he would not handle it well when he never had a chance to recover from what he went through before being pulled into other things. But I feel so inadequate compared to the other characters and that I must be doing it wrong since everyone else's characters are different. Maybe a lot of the others have larger than life situations while Radley's is more grounded in reality by comparison. I don't know.

I think the inadequacy is why I'm so hungry for reviews. I like to be told I did something good. Maybe I need to be told. I like it to be public for everyone to see it said. When I don't get reviews, I take it to mean that what I wrote wasn't good enough to warrant a review. It's not reasonable and in most cases is likely not true. But I don't know how to make myself not feel that way.

I could certainly be paranoid at least sometimes. But the problem with paranoia is that in many cases, the person really did experience what they fear and the paranoia is the fear of it happening again. Sometimes it does. I get told things aren't about me when I overanalyze and worry, but then it often looks like they really are and it wasn't paranoia at all.

I would love to be able to get therapy. But even if my insurance would cover it, I would be afraid to do it. Mom would worry about me for feeling I needed it, and Dad would just scoff that I don't need it. There's enough upheaval in our lives as it is. I don't want to make more.

Sigh.