Real-life.
Jun. 17th, 2018 08:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
insaneladybugI like to use this blog largely to talk about things that make me happy or that I use as an escape. I don't like to talk about real-life. But I've been silent largely because I'm trying to deal with a lot of real-life problems.
I've been struggling with bouts of depression ever since my cat died. The first couple of days were so bad, I honestly felt like I wanted to die to go be with her. I didn't want to kill myself, but for the first time in my life I felt like I'd be better off dead. Thankfully, that faded. But I miss her so desperately. Two weeks ago I finally had something I'd longed for and I felt without a doubt that she was here. I still don't know if she just comes to visit now and then or if she'd choose to stay here all the time, though. Rocky Road certainly behaves oddly at times. I'm positive she (yeah, she ended up being a she) saw my Sweet Baby one night, where she just kept staring out towards the road and then flipped out acting bizarre and seeming to be throwing a fit. I know cats can just do that, but I saw her act like that more than once in regards to Sweet Baby being around. Still, maybe it's just wishful thinking that it has anything to do with Sweet Baby.
I made the unfortunate discovery or realization that I have drastically low self-esteem and social anxiety. The low self-esteem is pretty obvious from all the posts I've made putting things down that I've created, and also from the fact that I can get excited from accomplishing little, insignificant things. I feel like such a loser that it amazes and excites me to be able to successfully do things that of course don't really matter, like playing a good game in Duel Links. It's like, it feels so good to actually do something right, no matter what it is.
The social anxiety kicks in and combines with the low self-esteem generally when someone is upset with me. I get physically ill, think they're going to leave me, and my mind locks down, taking my thinking and intelligence with it so I can't even react logically and instead just make everything worse. I don't even realize it's happened until the stress passes and the vise is released. No one likes conflict, but that is not a normal reaction to it. I described my feelings and reaction to my therapist friend and she definitely thought it sounded like anxiety. Unfortunately, she doesn't live here and I can't easily afford to see a therapist like I would like to (one appointment would cost several months of my freelancing work, at least!), but she's given me a lot of wonderful advice and support on things I can do and I've been working with some writing exercises for depression when things get really bad with thinking about my cat or this disaster I caused or both. She also recommended some books with more exercises, and I had better get them. I was hoping I was feeling better, but the last several days have been really bad with depressive bouts again. No more thoughts of being dead, but still seriously miserable. I haven't struggled so much with depression for years.
The slightest amount of stress has been making me physically ill lately. Heavy stress has always done that, but now it's far worse. I'm not able to handle anything going wrong. My aunt is sad about something and I'm feeling really sad for her and my mom. Of course, that sort of thing always is the case with me when I'm thinking clearly. I don't know how long it's going to take me to get in a happier frame of mind and stay there. Things big and little keep going wrong and I just have to wonder what's next. Maybe I need to make lists of things that go right every day.
I've been struggling with bouts of depression ever since my cat died. The first couple of days were so bad, I honestly felt like I wanted to die to go be with her. I didn't want to kill myself, but for the first time in my life I felt like I'd be better off dead. Thankfully, that faded. But I miss her so desperately. Two weeks ago I finally had something I'd longed for and I felt without a doubt that she was here. I still don't know if she just comes to visit now and then or if she'd choose to stay here all the time, though. Rocky Road certainly behaves oddly at times. I'm positive she (yeah, she ended up being a she) saw my Sweet Baby one night, where she just kept staring out towards the road and then flipped out acting bizarre and seeming to be throwing a fit. I know cats can just do that, but I saw her act like that more than once in regards to Sweet Baby being around. Still, maybe it's just wishful thinking that it has anything to do with Sweet Baby.
I made the unfortunate discovery or realization that I have drastically low self-esteem and social anxiety. The low self-esteem is pretty obvious from all the posts I've made putting things down that I've created, and also from the fact that I can get excited from accomplishing little, insignificant things. I feel like such a loser that it amazes and excites me to be able to successfully do things that of course don't really matter, like playing a good game in Duel Links. It's like, it feels so good to actually do something right, no matter what it is.
The social anxiety kicks in and combines with the low self-esteem generally when someone is upset with me. I get physically ill, think they're going to leave me, and my mind locks down, taking my thinking and intelligence with it so I can't even react logically and instead just make everything worse. I don't even realize it's happened until the stress passes and the vise is released. No one likes conflict, but that is not a normal reaction to it. I described my feelings and reaction to my therapist friend and she definitely thought it sounded like anxiety. Unfortunately, she doesn't live here and I can't easily afford to see a therapist like I would like to (one appointment would cost several months of my freelancing work, at least!), but she's given me a lot of wonderful advice and support on things I can do and I've been working with some writing exercises for depression when things get really bad with thinking about my cat or this disaster I caused or both. She also recommended some books with more exercises, and I had better get them. I was hoping I was feeling better, but the last several days have been really bad with depressive bouts again. No more thoughts of being dead, but still seriously miserable. I haven't struggled so much with depression for years.
The slightest amount of stress has been making me physically ill lately. Heavy stress has always done that, but now it's far worse. I'm not able to handle anything going wrong. My aunt is sad about something and I'm feeling really sad for her and my mom. Of course, that sort of thing always is the case with me when I'm thinking clearly. I don't know how long it's going to take me to get in a happier frame of mind and stay there. Things big and little keep going wrong and I just have to wonder what's next. Maybe I need to make lists of things that go right every day.
no subject
Date: 2018-06-19 02:06 am (UTC)And bleh, I know that feeling of low self-esteem and anxiety well, too, sigh *hugs* And sorry about the last several days, *hugs*
It's a vicious cycle, with the brain affecting the body and vice-versa. I've found that ginger ale can help a bit with that, though. *hugs*
Hope things get better soon!
no subject
Date: 2018-06-19 03:38 am (UTC)Thanks. It doesn't help that cramps are coming and making all the bad memories come to the forefront of my mind. Ugh. Low self-esteem and social anxiety are no fun, either for the person having them or anyone else who ends up affected by the one having them. **headdesk.**
It sure is. But oh, that's really interesting! I like ginger ale, so I should give that a try.
Thank you! I've been feeling better today, but I imagine things will get worse again when the pre-cramps attack some more.