insaneladybug | If you believe in forever ...

... It still doesn't change that there are many years to go before seeing a loved one again after they're gone. And it doesn't change how hard that is.

I've lost a friend of 21 years to cancer. I was afraid he was gone when he disappeared from the Internet a month ago, either gone or getting worse and not feeling up to being online. My worst fears were confirmed when I finally got a notification for a post his sister made yesterday. He died on the 16th.

I'm so glad I have the memories and special treasures of 21 years of friendship. But I still didn't want to say Goodbye, and he had wanted to live and kept hoping he would recover.

It feels so surreal to write any of this.

Our last conversation was so ... well, not like a Goodbye. I didn't get to really say Goodbye, or other things I would have liked to say. I think we just talked about The Clone Wars. Maybe that was the way he would have wanted it; maybe he didn't know how to say Goodbye. Not that I know either. He probably didn't know it would be our last conversation, though.

I've had the song Rock and Roll Heaven stuck in my head today. (It's a long story.) It feels sadly and oddly appropriate, not just for the chorus lines of life going on, but because he loved music so much and all the artists.

I've had a lot of writer's block, or writer's molasses lately (stories coming, but veeerrry slowwwwly), and it finally shattered on Sunday morning with a plunnie explosion. I wonder if that's not a coincidence and I was blessed to finally have more ideas because I would badly need that now. I am very grateful to have stories to put my attention to so I don't have to stay constantly in this reality.